"Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

The Best Pubs Are Irish

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Patty Sheehan, the Irishman.

"Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

---

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here
We'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a rubbish golfer".

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a rubbish golfer".

HA!

---

~Sue~

At last, confirmation of Murphy’s Law‚ with a wonderful Irish explanation:


Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls
with the butter side up. It's a miracle .
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter
to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.
He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome.
No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town
as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Luigi eh?

---

A Geordie and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked, "It smells absolutely incredible!"


Being a kind-hearted Geordie he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"


So, they walked past it again...

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me to stick it out until lunchtime, and then she'd come and pick me up from school.'

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Female Medical Exam


During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's Funeral, a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

"Too flipping late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

CAR MAINTENANCE


The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."

"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad answered, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

---

Happy Crunching,

Graham

Graham you just made my day.
ROTFLMAF

---

Pluto will always be a planet to me.

Seti Ambassador
Not to late to order an Anni Shirt

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

---

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

---

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.



"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."



The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."



========

---

"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

A Facebook friend posted:

Greg: "I just saw a transit vehicle with ads for Froot Loops, Cheerios, Rasin Bran, Rice Krispies, Wheaties, Corn Flakes, and Apple Jacks plastered all over it."
Meg: "Sounds like you just saw the universal cereal bus."

Then, in the comments:

Other friend of his: Had a funny conversation with a geeky guy in college who was going on and on about how wonderful eunuchs were. "Oh I just love eunuchs!" Turned out, he was talking about UNIX.

OP: That was my wif'e's response years ago when I told her that I could get a computer to boot to floppy UNIX, but not to the UNIX on the hard drive. (It turned out that the hard drive was bad.) She said, "I thought all eunuchs were floppy."

Friend: She has that twisted sense of humor too, I see. Perhaps you are a Twisted Pair.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

Found this one on Facebook and had to re-post it here...

This Man Ate A Very Hot Chill. But Never Expected This When He Farted:

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented You're definitely going to Shit yourself chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No Watson's Movement 2. Despite Habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Walmart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The Habanero's in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could of warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, its hard to keep things clamped down, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that Id make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable Oh my God, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of Shock and Awe. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonavabitch' and quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, IT'S YOU", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertsons. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Dumb-asses claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

---