A man and his parrot sitting in a airplane on the way to London.
The flight attendant walked by and the man said sorry Err mmmm.
She didn`t react.
The man looked at the parrot and shakes his shoulders.
Next time she walked by the parrot screamed "Hey bitch i want something to drink".
Not a minute later the parrot got his drink.
The man stared at the parrot and thought i can do that also.
Next time the flight attendant walked by the man screamed "Hey bitch i`m thirsty too".
2 minutes later 2 guys threw both the man and the parrot out of the air plane.
On the way down the parrot shaked his head and said.
For someone who can`t fly you`ve got a rather big mouth.

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With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.

20 jokes for smart people

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David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

PONDERISMS !

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Actually I do have a light in my freezer.

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~Sue~

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Actually I do have a light in my freezer.

Me too. :-D

Cheers.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Actually I do have a light in my freezer.

Me too. :-D

Cheers.

I was going to suggest that conventional light bulbs didn't last long in the cold and now maybe there would be with LED light bulbs.

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David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Actually I do have a light in my freezer.

Me too. :-D

Cheers.

I was going to suggest that conventional light bulbs didn't last long in the cold and now maybe there would be with LED light bulbs.

LED's are what's in mine. ;-)

Cheers.

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,

"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts, and they are heavier than the guys' balls."

Seems logical to me.

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A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Men experience that frozen look of fear pretty early in life

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A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Subject: An idea worth exploring….

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place...
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell - they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again, expecting to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
The tips would be so good we could charge the 'ladies' for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

*Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?*


*Why do I still have to do everything myself?*


*Sincerely,*


*Bill Clinton*

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Great, there are Tea Partiers in Britain!

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You ever heard of Typhoo? :-)

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

ROFLMAO! Love it.

Men experience that frozen look of fear pretty early in life

Yeah, it's that 'look' you get when your wife (or girlfriend) drives!! LOL!!

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This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

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~Sue~

http://www.tickld.com/x/the-25-best-two-line-jokes-ever-14-is-priceless

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~Sue~

Britain in the 21st century

Some great lines...