The joke thread Part 4.

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David S
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Message 1498382 - Posted: 2 Apr 2014, 1:52:39 UTC - in response to Message 1498290.  

I hope this works as I was in stitches.....

Not as naughty as you may think :-)

It took me to a Facebook page but the content was blank.

It worked for me and I just shared it.
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1498524 - Posted: 2 Apr 2014, 9:51:39 UTC - in response to Message 1498291.  



Can you blame them when this is what the bartender looks like?

Bartender
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Message 1498580 - Posted: 2 Apr 2014, 14:41:22 UTC - in response to Message 1498382.  

I hope this works as I was in stitches.....

Not as naughty as you may think :-)

It took me to a Facebook page but the content was blank.

It worked for me and I just shared it.


It's working for me now, too.
~Sue~

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Message 1498967 - Posted: 3 Apr 2014, 5:15:42 UTC

LOVE AND THE ELDERLY

LOVE......has no boundaries. An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to... send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
.


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Message 1499802 - Posted: 4 Apr 2014, 18:33:53 UTC

A few Friday Smiles

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little Censored . Bites!
_______________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
_______________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker -- Billy Connolly .

"If women are so b******* perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
__________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher .
Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1499986 - Posted: 5 Apr 2014, 2:21:23 UTC

Here's a page of bad poetry and such written by a bunch of us Dave Barry fans back in the '90s, in the old Usenet newsgroup alt.fan.dave_barry . I only remembered writing one haiku and one insult, but in fact I did three of each. Some of them won't make any sense to you because they're in-jokes from the group. Others may give you a chuckle.

(I just realized, no one ever insulted Australia.)
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1500774 - Posted: 6 Apr 2014, 22:04:21 UTC

((I'm sorry this is all caps. I copied and pasted and really didn't
want to retype the whole thing.))


A MODERN DAY COWBOY HAS SPENT MANY DAYS CROSSING THE DAKOTA PRAIRIES WITHOUT WATER.

HIS HORSE HAD ALREADY DIED OF THIRST. HE'S CRAWLING ALONG THE DUSTY GROUND, CERTAIN THAT HE HAS BREATHED HIS LAST BREATH, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SEES AN OBJECT STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND SEVERAL YARDS AHEAD OF HIM.
HE CRAWLS TO THE OBJECT, PULLS IT OUT OF THE GROUND AND DISCOVERS WHAT LOOKS TO BE AN OLD BRIEFCASE.

HE OPENS IT AND OUT POPS A GENIE.

BUT THIS IS NO ORDINARY GENIE.

SHE IS WEARING AN INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE ID BADGE AND A DULL GREY DRESS.
THERE'S A CALCULATOR IN HER POCKETBOOK. SHE HAS A PENCIL TUCKED BEHIND ONE EAR. ''WELL, COWBOY,'' SAYS THE GENIE, ''YOU KNOW HOW I WORK ... YOU HAVE THREE WISHES.''
''I'M NOT FALLING FOR THIS,'' SAID THE COWBOY, ''I'M NOT GOING TO TRUST AN IRS GENIE.''
''WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? YOU'VE GOT NO TRANSPORTATION, AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A GONER ANYWAY!''

THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE AND DECIDES THAT THE GENIE IS RIGHT.
''OK! I WISH I WERE ALONG-SIDE A LUSH SPRING WITH PLENTY OF FOOD AND DRINK.''

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF BESIDE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SPRING HE HAS EVER SEEN, AND HE'S SURROUNDED WITH JUGS OF WINE AND PLATTERS OF DELICACIES.
''OK, COWPOKE, WHAT'S YOUR SECOND WISH.''
''MY SECOND WISH IS THAT I WAS RICH ....BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.''

***POOF***

THE COWBOY FINDS HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY TREASURE CHESTS FILLED WITH RARE GOLD COINS AND PRECIOUS GEMS.
''OK, COWPUNCHER, YOU HAVE JUST ONE MORE WISH.
BETTER MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!''
AFTER THINKING FOR A FEW MINUTES, THE COWBOY SAYS,
''I WISH THAT NO MATTER WHERE I GO, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WILL WANT AND NEED ME.''

***POOF***

HE WAS TURNED INTO A TAMPON.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
IF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFERS TO HELP YOU, THERE'S GOING TO BE A STRING
ATTACHED!!!
~Sue~

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Message 1500776 - Posted: 6 Apr 2014, 22:11:50 UTC - in response to Message 1500774.  

Thanks Suzie-Q, that was a good one :-)
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Message 1500808 - Posted: 7 Apr 2014, 0:03:09 UTC

This one is a Frozen joke.

Q:What would happen if a vampire drunk Elsa's blood?

A:He'd get brainfreeze!
"Failure is always an option!" -Mythbusters
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Message 1500809 - Posted: 7 Apr 2014, 0:06:59 UTC

Q:What's the difference between a can of tuna, a piano and a tub of glue?

A:You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
"Failure is always an option!" -Mythbusters
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Message 1501139 - Posted: 7 Apr 2014, 21:29:31 UTC - in response to Message 1500809.  

Q:What's the difference between a can of tuna, a piano and a tub of glue?

A:You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!


But you can BE a piano tuna!
~Sue~

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Message 1501920 - Posted: 9 Apr 2014, 22:09:14 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1501967 - Posted: 10 Apr 2014, 1:17:08 UTC

It is pretty certain that Two Eagles
had not been to Canada.....
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Message 1503244 - Posted: 12 Apr 2014, 18:13:09 UTC

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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Message 1503249 - Posted: 12 Apr 2014, 18:49:57 UTC

Sven, a furniture dealer from Wisconsin, decided to expand the line
of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine.


As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was
quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only
vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his
table, asked him something in French (which Sven could not
understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit
down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his
language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with
her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed
it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small
group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe was about to close and the band was packing
up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of
a four-poster bed. To this day, Sven has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business.



Poor Sven.
His is to this day selling 4 posters.
And some posters like you.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1503555 - Posted: 13 Apr 2014, 11:13:37 UTC

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.

“Send me lawn away to be mowed."
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1505083 - Posted: 17 Apr 2014, 6:47:51 UTC

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
.


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Message 1505271 - Posted: 17 Apr 2014, 17:51:18 UTC

At the National Art Gallery in London, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely baffled.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle had a pink one.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Welshman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men there at all. They're just three Welsh coalminers and the man in the middle went home for lunch.
~Sue~

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Message 1506438 - Posted: 20 Apr 2014, 10:14:34 UTC

Happy Easter everyone.

Seniors Banking...

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it...

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to p*** us off.
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Message 1507424 - Posted: 22 Apr 2014, 22:32:10 UTC

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said,' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
~Sue~

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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