The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1488980 - Posted: 14 Mar 2014, 20:23:28 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1489151 - Posted: 15 Mar 2014, 2:14:14 UTC - in response to Message 1489014.  

Jesse


Ever since Gladys followed me home I've not had a minute's peace!
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Message 1490532 - Posted: 18 Mar 2014, 7:18:28 UTC

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned. 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1491085 - Posted: 19 Mar 2014, 7:07:02 UTC

I hope you all can understand the Scottish accent !

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives ona ferm, is playin' in the ...field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and thon Sturgeon wummin wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either."
.


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Message 1491300 - Posted: 19 Mar 2014, 18:10:20 UTC - in response to Message 1491085.  

I hope you all can understand the Scottish accent !

Everything but
thon Sturgeon

David
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Message 1491313 - Posted: 19 Mar 2014, 18:25:22 UTC

I hope you all can understand the Scottish accent !

Everything but
thon Sturgeon


Must admit that flumoxed me as well !
.


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Message 1491852 - Posted: 20 Mar 2014, 14:54:37 UTC

Scousers join Ferrari

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
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Message 1492383 - Posted: 21 Mar 2014, 0:06:29 UTC - in response to Message 1491852.  

Scousers join Ferrari

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

ROFLMAO


BOINC WIKI
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Message 1492439 - Posted: 21 Mar 2014, 1:37:32 UTC - in response to Message 1492383.  

Scousers join Ferrari

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

ROFLMAO

+1
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Message 1492500 - Posted: 21 Mar 2014, 3:39:14 UTC

What do you call a size 3 psychic on the run form the law?

A small medium at large.


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Message 1492772 - Posted: 21 Mar 2014, 16:28:41 UTC

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**sehole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bob Smith
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Message 1492774 - Posted: 21 Mar 2014, 16:29:32 UTC

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Message 1495815 - Posted: 26 Mar 2014, 23:23:33 UTC
Last modified: 27 Mar 2014, 0:02:06 UTC

Okay, this thread has sat idly for five days... so it's time: to finally post Mr. Kevvy's Ãœberlame SETI/BOINC-related Jokes! I've posted a few before but I think they're worth a repeat now that I have ten of them as:

1) They are slightly rewritten.
2) They are original, as far as I know.
3) They are actually on-topic with the theme of this site. Some may be technical but if you don't understand them they are probably too lame to bother researching. :^)

So clear your throat with some olive-flavoured mouthwash because you're going to be groaning soon! (My missus even warned me they were too lame for public release, at least the ones she understood, but I say what the heck! It's not like anyone knows where I live!)

-----------

BOINC is like modeling... it takes a lot of expensive silicon to have a nice RAC.

I asked some of the top contributors what would be the best way to find intelligent extraterrestrials and they said I needed a good video card, so I got one. I ended up renting E.T., Contact and Close Encounters with it, so I guess they were right.

A noted SETI astronomer said that they are looking for extraterrestrial civilizations by searching for hot Dyson spheres. After giving the house a good clean with my Ball Vac, I found that it was rather warm. Should I advise NASA or the SETI Institute first?

I built a new cruncher rig to go higher in the rankings, but I forgot to buy any NVidia cards for it. I CUDA been a contender!

D = (Total # of rap stars) * (Fraction of rap stars who are Canadian) * (Fraction of rap stars of mixed ethnicity)
The Drake Equation

What's the difference between the world's largest radio telescope and the movie "10"?
One is Arecibo, the other is where I see Bo.

At first I thought BOINC was only for Apple Macintosh computers, as it requires at least one core.

Even with 128 million simultaneous channels SERENDIP V still hasn't found any sign of intelligence in five years. So, it has about the same track record as cable TV.

It must be true that aliens want to eat us if we can communicate with them in microwaves through dishes and a giant bowl.

We finally discovered intelligent extraterrestrial beings. Coincidentally, they strongly resemble the platypus, an animal with both bird and mammal features. This made their communications complex and hard to analyze, but we soon figured out all we had to do was find the beak amplitude and dechirp with a fast Furrier transform.

-----------

Hope that wasn't too painful. :^D

Edit: Also, thank you to the previous posters for the many smiles'n'guffaws that this thread and its predecessors have brought me.
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Message 1495907 - Posted: 27 Mar 2014, 4:32:58 UTC

I liked them Mr Kevvy! They were all new to me :)

How about some George W Bush quotes? Came across them last night.

"I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."

"I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the president."

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."

Think it might be something to do with being in front of a microphone :)

Will try dig up some of our Royal gaffes next :) many don't have the microphone excuse :)
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Message 1496133 - Posted: 27 Mar 2014, 18:36:01 UTC - in response to Message 1495815.  
Last modified: 27 Mar 2014, 18:43:36 UTC

The Drake Equation

Only one I didn't get. Must be a Canadian thing.

Here's a Chicago thing: Why did the duck cross Lake Shore Drive?

Answer to be posted shortly in some other thread, as soon as I decide which one and find the news link I want to put with it.

[edit]
Answer in TLPTPW.
David
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Message 1497706 - Posted: 31 Mar 2014, 3:15:32 UTC

A Facebook friend says he came up with this all by himself after hearing the songs in question back to back. I offer it unedited.

An overweight Bridezilla named June had been driving her wedding planner nuts for weeks with strange demands. In common with many women who are size 20-something, she insisted she was a size 8 and her dress had been in and out of the shop several times. Food, decorations, even the music, June kept changing her mind and going for difficult options. Finally, the planner had the chance for her revenge. Two days before the wedding, June called her up and said she wanted to march down the aisle to "that tune from 'Carousel', and hummed something that may or may not have been 'You'll Never Walk Alone'". The wedding planner had another idea, and, as June and her dad began their march, the singer struck up "June is Busting Out All Over", appropriate as a seam on the dress gave up the ghost halfway to the altar.
David
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Message 1497980 - Posted: 31 Mar 2014, 21:52:55 UTC

I hope this works as I was in stitches.....

Not as naughty as you may think :-)
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Message 1498071 - Posted: 1 Apr 2014, 3:52:47 UTC - in response to Message 1497980.  

I hope this works as I was in stitches.....


It did! :))))
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Message 1498290 - Posted: 1 Apr 2014, 22:09:30 UTC - in response to Message 1497980.  

I hope this works as I was in stitches.....

Not as naughty as you may think :-)



It took me to a Facebook page but the content was blank.
~Sue~

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Message 1498291 - Posted: 1 Apr 2014, 22:11:21 UTC


~Sue~

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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