The joke thread Part 4.

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John McLeod VII
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Message 1477488 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 6:26:13 UTC

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None: That is a hardware problem.


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Message 1477580 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 13:03:58 UTC

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?


A. Two. The question really should have been "How did they get there in the first place ?"
.


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Message 1477591 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 14:05:47 UTC

Q. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?



A. Four, you need at least three competitive quotes
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Message 1477624 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 16:14:57 UTC

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds Her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair and, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?
~Sue~

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Message 1477635 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 17:07:22 UTC
Last modified: 15 Feb 2014, 17:10:32 UTC

Prison vs. Work

Just in case you ever get these two mixed up, this should
make things a little clearer.


Prison You spend the majority of your time in a 10' x 10' cell.

Work You spend the majority of your time in
a 6' x 6' cubicle.

Prison The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

Work You must often carry a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.

Prison You can watch TV and play games.

Work You could get fired for watching TV and
playing games.

Prison You get your own toilet.

Work You have to share the toilet with some
people who pee on the seat (or worse).

Prison They allow your family and friends to visit.

Work You aren't even supposed to speak to your
family.

Prison All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

Work You get to pay all your expenses to go to work,
and they deduct takes from your salary/wage
to take care of prisoners.

Prison You spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out.

Work You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.
~Sue~

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Message 1477742 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 20:57:52 UTC

ROFLMFAO!!!!

You just crack me up Suzie.

Cheers.
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Message 1477744 - Posted: 15 Feb 2014, 21:09:13 UTC

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That is a product support problem.

Q: How many product support techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It is all in the manual.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The customer can bloody well figure it out for themselves.

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Message 1478131 - Posted: 16 Feb 2014, 22:51:32 UTC

25 Jokes You're Probably Too Stupid To Understand

(Their title, not mine.)

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupid-to-understand/
~Sue~

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Message 1478166 - Posted: 17 Feb 2014, 2:06:31 UTC - in response to Message 1478131.  

25 Jokes You're Probably Too Stupid To Understand

(Their title, not mine.)

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupid-to-understand/

I admit there were a couple of those I didn't get.


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Message 1478204 - Posted: 17 Feb 2014, 4:01:33 UTC

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons.

Civil Engineers build targets.


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Message 1478297 - Posted: 17 Feb 2014, 11:25:00 UTC

EXAMPLES FROM BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS' REPORTS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of it's idiot.
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.
39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense, light bends around him.
42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.
46. The only contribution this officer makes to the army is his superannuation payments.
.


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Message 1479928 - Posted: 21 Feb 2014, 4:10:28 UTC - in response to Message 1478166.  

25 Jokes You're Probably Too Stupid To Understand

(Their title, not mine.)

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupid-to-understand/

I admit there were a couple of those I didn't get.

Funny....I 'got' every one of them. (LOL)
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Message 1480015 - Posted: 21 Feb 2014, 7:52:55 UTC

Irish Petrol Station


A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again, Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
.


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Message 1480188 - Posted: 21 Feb 2014, 14:17:31 UTC - in response to Message 1480015.  


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Message 1480791 - Posted: 22 Feb 2014, 23:36:09 UTC

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back
of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ..... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram home.
~Sue~

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Message 1480803 - Posted: 23 Feb 2014, 0:35:54 UTC

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping
your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting
any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will
accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without
a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Dang the autocorrect. I meant "wifi," not "wife."
~Sue~

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Message 1480805 - Posted: 23 Feb 2014, 0:37:33 UTC - in response to Message 1480799.  

Well Suzie......
some of those arn't very politically correct.....
and maybe found to be offensive to some......
But I loved them. :-D

Cheers.


I'm glad you enjoyed them.

For anyone who didn't, please let me know and I'll keep the
non-PC jokes to myself in the future.
~Sue~

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Message 1480964 - Posted: 23 Feb 2014, 17:02:11 UTC - in response to Message 1480791.  

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back
of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ..... he didn't like it - I had it.

Saw that coming at this point.
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1481082 - Posted: 23 Feb 2014, 22:55:25 UTC

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex;
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
~Sue~

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Message 1481236 - Posted: 24 Feb 2014, 15:07:45 UTC

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

In other words, bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now,
The twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

Now you know Horses' Asses control almost everything....... Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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