Seems like a lot of this mental clashing could be avoided if we could only selectively erase portions of the long-term memory to suit our needs. But, alas, that's not in the cards. I too am grateful for this opportunity to talk about something that I try to forget, but my dreams just won't let me. Not as prominent now as it was in the past, but it had to do with a prop decapitation...in slow motion seemingly. Won't get into the details, but was stationed at the 6916th Scty. Sqdn. in Athens, Greece in the Air Force, and was prepping for a flight on a RC130 when kinda just looked over to the left and, well, just stood there. Couldn't move. Couldn't help. Always wondered who she was...civilian I think.

Anyway, the old adage that time heals all wounds is stupid. Haven't talked about this for 40 years...hope I don't have anymore dreams about it either. Haven't joined any organizations probably because I prefer not to hash over old times. Some were great...some weren't.

Mark

Im sorry you too have seen something bad. I never joined an official veterans group either. I figured that being a non combat era Viet nNam vet I didnt need to.
But I do believe that talking about what happend in the old times is needed. It was felt that this thread was needed by many folks at Seti@Home.
So it was created. Im no counseler by any means and I wont pretend to be one either. I can only speak for myself what I have seen, Felt and smelled. And I think I can speak for the others and say they feel the same.
To be honest, I havent been sleeping very good since I have told the things I have seen. It has brought up a lot of memorys and emotions that I thought were buried. I guess not.

My hope is that by finally expessing the baggage Ive carried over the years, I can be done with the fear of fearing them. That last part must seem stupid, But I get it:)

@Donald, Thanks for saying that Im not alone in speaking in code. I thought I was the only one who thought that.

---

[/quote]

Old James

As a retired service man I can remember many close calls and some very terrible occurrences, but one close call stands out for me.
At RCAF station Trenton in the province of Ontario Canada there is a slot between the operations hut, and one of the larger aircraft hangers. This area called the "Slot," is where most of the birds are started up after loading. One day they were running up a Boeing 747 when all of a sudden it looked like the head of the air women marshaling the aircraft came off and was pulled into one of the engines, there was even a puff of black shoot out of the exhaust. I swear that to one and all it looked like the girl's head had been sucked right off. After every one watching stopped trembling and got their pulses back down we realized that the girl went out with a wig on under her earphones. Needless to say the next day an order was issued banning the wearing of wigs by any one while on the flight line. Also needless to say I was very happy that my heart health was top notch at that time. If any one is wondering, I did not think it was funny.

---

As a retired service man I can remember many close calls and some very terrible occurrences, but one close call stands out for me.
At RCAF station Trenton in the province of Ontario Canada there is a slot between the operations hut, and one of the larger aircraft hangers. This area called the "Slot," is where most of the birds are started up after loading. One day they were running up a Boeing 747 when all of a sudden it looked like the head of the air women marshaling the aircraft came off and was pulled into one of the engines, there was even a puff of black shoot out of the exhaust. I swear that to one and all it looked like the girl's head had been sucked right off. After every one watching stopped trembling and got their pulses back down we realized that the girl went out with a wig on under her earphones. Needless to say the next day an order was issued banning the wearing of wigs by any one while on the flight line. Also needless to say I was very happy that my heart health was top notch at that time. If any one is wondering, I did not think it was funny.

I would also say its not funny. Being a AF man myself to many people get sucked into intakes. It aslo happens in the navy.

---

[/quote]

Old James

The problem I experience is now any rotating fan tends to make me uncomfortable to look at, but I do enjoy the air output from them. Didn't realize it for the longest time, but that is how insidious memories can be and the unintended affects they can cause. I don't have any battleground born PTSD to relate to but can only imagine the effect when it is very up-close and personal.

---

The problem I experience is now any rotating fan tends to make me uncomfortable to look at, but I do enjoy the air output from them. Didn't realize it for the longest time, but that is how insidious memories can be and the unintended affects they can cause. I don't have any battleground born PTSD to relate to but can only imagine the effect when it is very up-close and personal.

That is totaly understandable. What you witnessed was horrific. When on the news I see a fully involved house fire I get, Im tyring to find the words, A sense of dread. I cant articualte any better than that. It's more an emotion than words can describe.
Just be assured your not alone.

---

[/quote]

Old James

As a retired service man I can remember many close calls and some very terrible occurrences, but one close call stands out for me.
At RCAF station Trenton in the province of Ontario Canada there is a slot between the operations hut, and one of the larger aircraft hangers. This area called the "Slot," is where most of the birds are started up after loading. One day they were running up a Boeing 747 when all of a sudden it looked like the head of the air women marshaling the aircraft came off and was pulled into one of the engines, there was even a puff of black shoot out of the exhaust. I swear that to one and all it looked like the girl's head had been sucked right off. After every one watching stopped trembling and got their pulses back down we realized that the girl went out with a wig on under her earphones. Needless to say the next day an order was issued banning the wearing of wigs by any one while on the flight line. Also needless to say I was very happy that my heart health was top notch at that time. If any one is wondering, I did not think it was funny.

I would also say its not funny. Being a AF man myself to many people get sucked into intakes. It aslo happens in the navy.

One of the guys I work with was both a Marine in Viet Nam and a Navy Aviation Ordinanceman (Bombs, Rockets, and Bullets). He lost a Shipmate to a jet engine intake. Not a fate I'd wish on my worst enemy. Nor something I'd want to witness. Mark Fiske's apprehension around fans is totally understandable.

---

Donald
Infernal Optimist / Submariner, retired

he would never ever talk about it,

That's normal. I first started talking about it after long sessions of therapy at a psychiatrist that ended up in me, breaking a few of the poor mans chairs and his cupboard. I was 22, 16 years after the facts. This shows how long it can take. Even my mom didn't really know for all those years because I hadn't told her. I always think she had a suspicion though. It's still is very hard to talk about it, but I gave it a place as I'm still trying to give Oonah's death a place.

So you were very young when it happened. Long time to bottle up all that anger and pain. But seems to me better to take out a few pieces of furniture than to take it out on anoher person, no matter how deserving they might be. Did it help?

---

Donald
Infernal Optimist / Submariner, retired

he would never ever talk about it,

That's normal. I first started talking about it after long sessions of therapy at a psychiatrist that ended up in me, breaking a few of the poor mans chairs and his cupboard. I was 22, 16 years after the facts. This shows how long it can take. Even my mom didn't really know for all those years because I hadn't told her. I always think she had a suspicion though. It's still is very hard to talk about it, but I gave it a place as I'm still trying to give Oonah's death a place.

I think I can infer what happend to you by your post. But I dont want to ask because I feel that you just dont want to talk about it yet. And thats ok too.

---

[/quote]

Old James

From my own experience PTSD is cruel, very cruel....
You think you are over the worst then something tiny rises out of life's carpet and you are flat on your face again. Only this time one's support structure is off doing something else.....

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

Concisely put, Bob. Seems you're into it before you realize what is occurring and only your awareness can help to pull you out of it. Make any sense? It's just after so many times of experiencing the trails of the occurrence you would expect it to throttle down somewhat and most of the time it does...then there is that one time when it's fully in play again and you realize it's just something you have to live with and try not to drudge it back up too often and with that, and this run-on sentence, I'll beg out of this...I have a ceiling fan over my rig and the spinning blades are reflecting the sunlight onto the walls. I'm trying to desensitize myself to the effect by doing this, but it is hard. Really, this isn't a disabling structure in my life...more like an occasional bee-sting that goes away until the next one down the road...

Mark

---

From my own experience PTSD is cruel, very cruel....
You think you are over the worst then something tiny rises out of life's carpet and you are flat on your face again.

Agreed

---

Music
Pictures

My son has PTSD. Its been very difficult. I get what people are saying about the rages and the smashing of furniture. When he gets triggered I've had to call the police on him at times. He has been through a lot of counseling and he is getting better. Its been very, very hard and there are some days I've just wanted to wash my hands of him.

but you can't do that when its your own children. If you don't help them, who will?

---

Reality Internet Personality

My son has PTSD. Its been very difficult. I get what people are saying about the rages and the smashing of furniture. When he gets triggered I've had to call the police on him at times. He has been through a lot of counseling and he is getting better. Its been very, very hard and there are some days I've just wanted to wash my hands of him.

but you can't do that when its your own children. If you don't help them, who will?

No you cant wash your hands of him. You Bring up a point I had not thought of. That PTSD has two or more people it affects. And maybe those folks could use some help also.

I never had fits of rage or anger. I would just start feeling sad and cry by myself when unpleasant memories came to me.

Thank you ES for bringing that up.

---

[/quote]

Old James

but you can't do that when its your own children. If you don't help them, who will?

Exactly. A mother with her heart in the right place is ALWAYS there for her children. If it weren't for you, they wouldn't even live and therefore experience any particular difficulties. My kids also still have therapy and they even go to a special school for children with emotional difficulties. Especially the youngest is doing very well now. She was only 3 when the accident happened, which is quite young. I feel responsible for their future happiness, that's a fact!

---

Music
Pictures

Julie, I may have gone thru the same thing as a child. I feel lucky as I have no Nightmares, just a hint here and there.

---

Pluto will always be a planet to me.

Seti Ambassador
Not to late to order an Anni Shirt

My son has PTSD. Its been very difficult. I get what people are saying about the rages and the smashing of furniture. When he gets triggered I've had to call the police on him at times. He has been through a lot of counseling and he is getting better. Its been very, very hard and there are some days I've just wanted to wash my hands of him.

but you can't do that when its your own children. If you don't help them, who will?

No you cant wash your hands of him. You Bring up a point I had not thought of. That PTSD has two or more people it affects. And maybe those folks could use some help also.

I never had fits of rage or anger. I would just start feeling sad and cry by myself when unpleasant memories came to me.

Thank you ES for bringing that up.

I know of several local programs where they do group counselling for couples dealing with PTSD and/or related substance abuse. They are run by the County Behavioral Health service, and by a private company under contract to the County. The VA also has limited spouse/family member/caregiver counselling and respite services. Not universal yet, but getting there.

My episodes are similar to James' - I have vivid memories and recurring dreams. And I cannot watch video of the Challenger launch failure or the 9/11 attacks - I knew people who died there. If I don't look away in time, I see their faces superinposed on the fireballs, and then I just kind of shut down until the vision passes. And a certain intersection on a major street in town, where I sometimes see the image of a little green FIAT convertible impaled on a traffic light pole 40-some years ago.....

But I also have Comrades who suffer panic attacks at the sound of a car backfiring, or the fireworks and gunfire on Independence Day and New Year's Eve. Those are truly scarry, but we get through them.

---

Donald
Infernal Optimist / Submariner, retired

Im truly amazed at the response that we have seen. I never would have thought that so many of us have or had issues.

And this is not my thread, I just started it. It belongs to all the Setizens who suffer.

To those who just want to lurk, We hope that you can find something to help you here. To those who would like to post, Please do. You may be helping someone else with your insights or information.

And Id like to thank everyone who has posted. I know Im not alone.

---

[/quote]

Old James

My PTSD is pretty "light" compared to others here. Mine was from being abused by peers growing up. I was constantly picked on, put down, and harassed from grade school all the way through high school.

It always started because of my asthma and lack of interest in sports. Then because I have thick curly hair. People in high school constantly threw stuff into my hair. Once in high school a smoker threw a lit butt into my hair.

In junior high, they would prank call me and call me names. One winter in Palatine, IL, (a suburb of Chicago), they egged my parents house because I lived there.

If I let it, I can remember their faces, the clothes that they wore, the smells around me that day/those days. It really hurts. I tried therapy, it didn't help, much.

I still have a hard time around people I don't know. I have very few friends; however, the friends I have are close. I hate change of any sort. I like stability of things and people. Yet, I know that some changes are necessary.

---

TimeLord04
Have TARDIS, will travel...
Come along K-9!
Join Calm Chaos

Julie, I may have gone thru the same thing as a child. I feel lucky as I have no Nightmares, just a hint here and there.

After such a long time the nightmares are looong gone. I try to ignore the hints...

---

Music
Pictures

My PTSD is pretty "light" compared to others here. Mine was from being abused by peers growing up. I was constantly picked on, put down, and harassed from grade school all the way through high school.

It always started because of my asthma and lack of interest in sports. Then because I have thick curly hair. People in high school constantly threw stuff into my hair. Once in high school a smoker threw a lit butt into my hair.

In junior high, they would prank call me and call me names. One winter in Palatine, IL, (a suburb of Chicago), they egged my parents house because I lived there.

If I let it, I can remember their faces, the clothes that they wore, the smells around me that day/those days. It really hurts. I tried therapy, it didn't help, much.

I still have a hard time around people I don't know. I have very few friends; however, the friends I have are close. I hate change of any sort. I like stability of things and people. Yet, I know that some changes are necessary.

I had a pretty similar childhood, except it wasn't asthma and hair, it was my weight. In my sophomore and junior yearbooks, my picture appears on a separate page with the most severely mentally handicapped kids, even though I wasn't in any kind of Special Ed. at all.* I never even had a senior portrait taken. I learned to just ignore everyone until it became clear they weren't picking on me. I still do that now, 30 years after I graduated. (The hell of it is, I work in the same school and the students still do it to me. That's why I don't use my own name on Facebook.)

I should probably stop reading this thread. It's starting to bring back things I'd rather not remember. Just writing about the yearbook thing has probably raised my blood pressure 10 points in as many minutes.

*If that happened now, the parents would probably sue the school, the yearbook sponsor, and the parents of the kids who worked on it. But they don't put those kids on a separate page anymore. (Probably on a complaint from one of their parents.)

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.