Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A Corporate Comptroller once told me as I developed a spreadsheet for him:
I can prove to any Board of Directors the solvency of ANY Company by the careful presentation of facts.

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Classic WU= 7,237 Classic Hours= 42,079

An old man was lying on his deathbed. With
only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the
scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from
the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man
pulled himself out from his bed, accross
the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs
to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate
chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy,
the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him
across the back of his hand and exclaimed,
"Leave them alone, they are for the funeral!!"

Ouch! That's cold!

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OK, we all know that 666 is the number of the beast, but did you know that:

660 Approximate number of Beast

DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1) Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 Binary of the Beast

6, uh... What was that number again?? Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 Area code of the Beast

00666 Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 Live Beast! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

stlg665.95 Retail price of the Beast

stlg782.55 Price of Beast plus 17.5% VAT

stlg799.95 Price of Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 Way of the Beast

666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66% 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank
$666 minimum deposit

Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 CPU of the Beast

666i BMW of the Beast

DSM-666 (Revised) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast

665.99999922418 The Pentium Beast

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OK, we all know that 666 is the number of the beast, but did you know that:


666 ^ (-1) Imaginary number of the Beast

Um, no. This is the reciprocal of the beast (1/666). The imaginary number of the beast would be 666i.

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BOINC WIKI

What We Learn From the Movies

• It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
  
• If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  
• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  
• Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
  

(edited for clarity)

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

We mustn't forget
A six shot handgun never runs out of ammo - unless on-cue

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Classic WU= 7,237 Classic Hours= 42,079

Teacher: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

Pupil: With a pair of Caesars!

---

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions.

Blond: This one must be mine because it has my picture on it.
Brunet: Let me see that... No it doesn't, it has my picture on it.
Blond: Hey, this one has my picture too.

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Things Not To Say During Childbirth....

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Which way are you heading?

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"www dot video dot dot dot c a dot gov"

Ya gotta say it out loud to get it.

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Comedians' Best Lines, 1997

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller


"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case


"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres


"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen


"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett





"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart


"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson




"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum


"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson


"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy


"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown


"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner


"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld


"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman


"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno


"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin


"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Q: WHAT KIND OF NUT SOUNDS LIKE A SNEEZE?
A: A CASHEWWWWW

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Q: Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

A: It felt like bacon.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

This came from here http://www.jokes.com/ so I think it is one U.S."comedian" having a go at what he/she considers to be the absurdities of "life" some of which I find sort of funny and others well daft for want of any description.

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

when superheroes can no longer hack it

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care