SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...


The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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BOINC Wiki . . .

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A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee . . .

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

Eve's Little Secret.

"God, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that, Eve?"

"God, I am lonely and bored, and i'm sick to death of apples!"

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that, God?"

"A flawed, base creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will be witless and will revel in childish things. He'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart, so he will need your advice to think properly. He will have a very limited emotional capacity and will need to be trained. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. And you most certainly will never be bored again!"

"Sounds great," says Eve, with one ironically raised eyebrow, "but what's the catch, God?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

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What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

... A receding hair line

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

Something on-topic for the theme of this site... I hope. :^)

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Great thread Richard. I love anything that supplies jokes ;]

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What do you call 28 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth!!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend. "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

Great thread Richard. I love anything that supplies jokes ;]

here ya go...Jokes Threads

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Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome

CRUISING WITH THE PENGUINS

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

FLOORING THE FERRARI

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

FLOORING THE FERRARI

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back

:)

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FLOORING THE FERRARI

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back

:)

Amen Brother!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy
some Cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't
give You cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed With the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Some short ones on gas prices.

"After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded."

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so
I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.

I have my car towed to work because it's cheaper than buying gas.

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that
said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."

For our vacation this summer, we're thinking it will be cheaper to
just mail the car.

"At the gas station near my house they have a slot on the pump for
your credit card, and one right next to it for your 401-K."