Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles...

The man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off...

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles...

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a

Breathalyzer test...

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken"...

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Who the hell gave you permission to post my biographical information??? :-)

Two'fer Night....


There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"


An honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

(-:<

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CAPT Siran d'Vel'nahr - L L & P _\\//
Winders 11 OS? "What a piece of junk!" - L. Skywalker
"Logic is the cement of our civilization with which we ascend from chaos using reason as our guide." - T'Plana-hath

Hahahah! That second one was really good, Siran.

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Hear about the plane load of bag pipers that was hijacked?

The hijackers threatened to let them go one at a time until their demands were met.

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BOINC WIKI

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Why ARE Men Happier ?

DANG RAWT! lol

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recently seen on a tee-shirt: In the mirror universe, I'm really really cool.

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people demand freedom of speech as a compensation for freedom of thought which they seldom use - soren kierkegaard

My favorite tee-shirt of all time said, "In dog years, I'm DEAD!"

My favorite tee-shirt of all time said, "In dog years, I'm DEAD!"

so .... what's it like? (lol)

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people demand freedom of speech as a compensation for freedom of thought which they seldom use - soren kierkegaard

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I
tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you
give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night......whether you're here or
not."

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What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger?

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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early" he asks, "Doing what?"


"Getting a second opinion!"

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My favorite tee-shirt of all time said, "In dog years, I'm DEAD!"

so .... what's it like? (lol)

The tee-shirt or being a dead dog?

Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

UHm Do you have to be Canadian to get that?

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Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

UHm Do you have to Canadian to get that?

LOL nah it's universal...

Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

UHm Do you have to Canadian to get that?

LOL nah it's universal...

OK, is Oz part of that universe (scratches head).

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GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.....

I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted

Did you make a donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

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CAPT Siran d'Vel'nahr - L L & P _\\//
Winders 11 OS? "What a piece of junk!" - L. Skywalker
"Logic is the cement of our civilization with which we ascend from chaos using reason as our guide." - T'Plana-hath