Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?







It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament,The same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

Take the Pepsi challenge!

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Account frozen...

Hypnotism: Desperate for a Date

How to get a job (politically incorrect) rated TV 14 L

THE PARROT!!!


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.


"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."


"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

.
.

.


.

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.




Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have you ever seen his willie? :-P

Hi Fuzzy!

No and I bet Fat B hasn't seen his Willie
either!

He could have looked in a mirror ;)

Yes but the beam created by the Magnifying Glass
would start a fire or burn that critter off!

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Have you ever seen his willie? :-P

Hi Fuzzy!

No and I bet Fat B hasn't seen his Willie
either!

He could have looked in a mirror ;)

Have you ever seen his willie? :-P

Hi Fuzzy!

No and I bet Fat B hasn't seen his Willie
either!

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This tabel is for sale on eBay, how can you tell it is being sold by a man?


Answer: Look in the mirror in the top left.

Selling your table on EBay: 7 dollars..

Having your nuts on display on Ebay: Priceless

Looks Like Fat B.....

Have you ever seen his willie? :-P

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"I'm trying to maintain a shred of dignity in this world." - Me

This tabel is for sale on eBay, how can you tell it is being sold by a man?


Answer: Look in the mirror in the top left.

Selling your table on EBay: 7 dollars..

Having your nuts on display on Ebay: Priceless

Looks Like Fat B.....

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This tabel is for sale on eBay, how can you tell it is being sold by a man?


Answer: Look in the mirror in the top left.

Selling your table on EBay: 7 dollars..

Having your nuts on display on Ebay: Priceless

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I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.

I can see a T shirt coming out,,

I WENT HUNTING WITH
DICK CHENEY
AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS
LOUSY FLESH WOUND

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This tabel is for sale on eBay, how can you tell it is being sold by a man?


Answer: Look in the mirror in the top left.

Ha ha ha!

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This tabel is for sale on eBay, how can you tell it is being sold by a man?


Answer: Look in the mirror in the top left.

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

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I can see a T shirt coming out,,

I WENT HUNTING WITH
DICK CHENEY
AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS
LOUSY FLESH WOUND

Quayle hunting :o)

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CHENEY SAYS SHOOTING OF FELLOW HUNTER WAS BASED ON FAULTY INTELLIGENCE

Believed Shooting Victim Was Zawahiri, Veep Says

Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend because he believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with pellets on Saturday was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old millionaire lawyer from Austin, blaming the mix-up on "faulty intelligence."

"I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying me with pellets," Mr. Cheney told reporters. "Only after I shot Harry in the face and he shouted 'Cheney, you bastard' did I realize that this intelligence was faulty."

Moments after Mr. Cheney's assault on Mr. Whittington, Mr. al-Zawahiri appeared in a new videotape broadcast on al-Jazeera to announce that he was uninjured in the vice president's attack because, in his words, "I was in Pakistan."

An aide to the vice president said he believed that the American people would believe Mr. Cheney's version of events, but added, "If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it's a shame it wasn't Jack Abramoff."

At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice president's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent "a strong message to terrorists everywhere."

"The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to you," Mr. Bush said.

Elsewhere, aviator Steve Fossett completed his three-day journey around the globe, setting a world record for wasting both time and money.

Credit goes to CelticWolf for this contribution.

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Account frozen...

WHY MIDDLE AGED WOMEN SHOULD NOT GO TO MARDI GRAS AND DRINK

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No matter where you go, there you are...