[..] I never want to live in a vegetative state [..]

Is that like living in Kansas? ;)

more like N. Dakota!

---

[..] I never want to live in a vegetative state [..]

Is that like living in Kansas? ;)

Living Will

Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his

boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was

dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss

me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever

seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure than you could ever dream of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked

it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what

I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have

never had."He opened his pocket, looked at the frog

and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

---

No matter where you go, there you are...

When the shelves were rearranged in the bookstore where I work, we neglected to remove some old labels. One day, I noticed a colleague frantically trying to remove them. "What's the rush?" I asked. "Check out the `Self-Help' section," he replied with a smile. We had moved "Self-Help" to the area where we previously had our "Bible" section. On the first shelf, underneath the book The Principles of Seduction, was the label "King James Version."

ROTFLMAO

---

BOINC WIKI

When the shelves were rearranged in the bookstore where I work, we neglected to remove some old labels. One day, I noticed a colleague frantically trying to remove them. "What's the rush?" I asked. "Check out the `Self-Help' section," he replied with a smile. We had moved "Self-Help" to the area where we previously had our "Bible" section. On the first shelf, underneath the book The Principles of Seduction, was the label "King James Version."

---

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

America's Glorious Leader

bush-footinmouth.wmv

---

Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

Another benefit to joining TFFE... free wine tasting! Breast feeding is optional.

---

me@rescam.org

This dropped into my Mailbox today ..... honest!!!
(More of interest to Poms ... but Labor = Democrat .... !)

THE PRESS OFFICE
10, Downing Street
LONDON SW1A 2AJ


To: List 14(a – d)/1064
Ref: MPC/RJ/ex
Status: EMBARGOED TO 19 Feb 06
Class: CONFIDENTIAL


For general release only after 19 Feb 06


The Labour Party has today changed its emblem from a Rose to a Condom as it more accurately reflects the Labour Government’s Political stance.

In common with long established Labour tradition, a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed.


…/policies

Mental Health Answering Machine
MP3 178KB

---

Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

Cop pulls over taxi.

Cop says: "Licence please."

Taxi driver says: "What for?"

Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence please."

Taxi driver: "What's the difference?"

Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence please!"

Taxi driver: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."

The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the cr*p out of the taxi driver and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

---

Rewind to the 1960's.

At a New Years eve bash at the American embassy, one of the guests makes a loud comment that he feels sorry for the poor SOBs that are detailed with eaves dropping on the Embassy tonight.

Thirty seconds later the phone rings.

Over the phone can be heard the distinctive sound of a champaigne cork popping - followed by the click of the phone being hung up.

---

BOINC WIKI

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive"
in the newspapers, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter
in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI

so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.With no clue as to its meaning, they
eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the
President he's holding the message upside down."

ooops

Excellent!

---

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes sweetie, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No sweetheart, it's because you're 25."

---

Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I get away with it?"

.o0( Funny but all so true)

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The stunned lawyer, not knowing what else to do, pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

---

I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.