A guy gets on a plane and finds he's seated next to a cute blonde. He
turns to her and says, "I've heard flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with fellow passengers. Want to talk?" The blonde, who has
just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would
you like to discuss ?" "Oh, ... I don't know", says the guy, "How about
nuclear power?" "OK", replies the blonde, "That would be interesting,
but first let me ask you a question. If a horse, a cow, and a deer all
eat the same stuff, ...grass, why does the deer excrete little pellets,
... the cow flat patties, ... and the horse 'muffins' of dried poop?"
The guy is dumbfounded, ... and finally replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea." "So, tell me", says the blonde, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Herman walked into the local brothel and said, "I want to see Natalie."

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie."

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, Herman pulled out ten $100 bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The next night, Herman appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, she was just too expensive, and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again Herman pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night, Herman was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

Herman replied, "New York." "Really" she said. "I have family in New York." "I know," Herman said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

---

Students were assigned to watch the movie Titanic, and read the book My Life by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following report:

Titanic: Over 3 hours to watch
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ... ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary ... basically the same thing.

---

Dedicated to any and all teachers out there...

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Jimmie raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Jimmie before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Jimmie said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The SETI dating service is now open for business.

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells
the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He
assures her they have a good selection of pink
curtains.

He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink
fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink
floral pattern, the salesman asks her, "What sizes
do you need?"
She replies, "Just 15 inches."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?"
She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room.
It's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do
not have curtains."




The blonde says, "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows

---

Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

12345

And here I was hoping that was the Spaceballs soundbite of the air shield combination (and luggage)

After a 7 week wait, I get my car back from the repairers in an hour or so....

The moral....

Don't let your wife do a u-turn near a pole.

12345

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"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!!

A good one CA. Morbid ending... but good.

---

Subject: FBI Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!!

---

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.




"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

---

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong. "What's
wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you
didn't." "Yes, I did." "My! God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired" "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh..she got fired
too."

---

I belong to a Photographers workshop we review each others photos,
it id a very straight laced group, well I submitted this photo
for review and this is the responce.......

For Rocky....

"Mo'Rocken" reviewed by diesel
Aye aye Captain. My god, that's a healthy set of norks she's got there!! Well, of course they were the first things I noticed and frankly I'd say they were her main attribute, no risk. You know, I would've been tempted to even crop half of her face off to highlight them even further. That's being just a bit cruel though.

Click on Image

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33 Reasons why you shouldn't post your picture on the internet

CA might think he's gone to heaven :-)

Most excellent my young Simonator!

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33 Reasons why you shouldn't post your picture on the internet

CA might think he's gone to heaven :-)

---

Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament,The same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.

Gee Maybe we should Compaire notes or maybe sick PZ on them.......

I deliberatly steered clear of any actual comment on the matter to hopefully avoid confrontation.

---

Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament,The same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.

Gee Maybe we should Compaire notes or maybe sick PZ on them.......

---

It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament

How does this stats follow the party lines then? :)