Profile: Ryan Black

Personal background
Some helium floats into a bar.

The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”

The helium doesn’t react.

---

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:

“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m positive.”

---

A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:

“What do we want?”

“Time travel”

“When do we want it?”

“Irrelevant.”


---

There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

---

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him if he wants a drink.

Descartes says “I think not” and disappears.

---

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just change the standard to darkness.

---

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

---

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

---

Have you heard about the sick chemist?

If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

---

How do you know the moon is going broke?

It’s down to its last quarter.

---

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”

The first logician says, “I don’t know.”

The second logician says, “I don’t know.”

The third logician says, “Yes.”

---

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer.

Bartender replies: “For you, no charge”.

---

What do you call an educated tube?

A graduated cylinder.

---

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10, then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says: “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”

Newton says: “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

---

Do you know the name Pavlov?

It rings a bell.

---

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first asks for a beer. The second asks for half a beer. The third asks for a quarter beer. The fourth begins to order an eighth of a beer but the bartender cuts him off:

“You’re all idiots.”

He pours two beers and goes to help other customers.

---

Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“Don’t you mean a martini?” asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one.”

---

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

---

How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two – one to hold the light bulb and one to rotate the universe.

---

A wife asks her husband, who is a software engineer: “Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get 6!”

The husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him: “Why the heck did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replies: “They had eggs.”
Your feedback on this profile
Recommend this profile for User of the Day: I like this profile
Alert administrators to an offensive profile: I do not like this profile
Account data View
Team None



 
©2024 University of California
 
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.