Posts by Gnu


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1) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1647115)
Posted 4 hours ago by Profile Gnu
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."




A little old man shuffled slowly... into an ice cream parlour.

He pulled himself slowly... painfully... up onto a stool...

After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis".




The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught mother "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The doctor dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
2) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Miggins Magnificent Mouthwatering Mouthfuls (Message 1645706)
Posted 3 days ago by Profile Gnu
I didn't know she'd got one...in fact I had no idea she was musical, unless you count the time she engaged us all about the time she played with Sidney's castanets

If we ask politely..she may just retell the tale...Sorry Sidney
3) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1645293)
Posted 4 days ago by Profile Gnu
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, as you’d expect, went ballistic. 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!". 

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Eddie has not been seen since...
4) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1634375)
Posted 29 days ago by Profile Gnu
My wife asked me to buy Organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."






I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again...






My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.






The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a £100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer £100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!'

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
5) Message boards : Politics : Your patience levels? (Message 1634362)
Posted 29 days ago by Profile Gnu
Maybe there is...on one planet we'll never discover....
6) Message boards : Politics : Your patience levels? (Message 1634356)
Posted 29 days ago by Profile Gnu
I have infinite patience when it's needed...but I do not suffer fools...that's when it tends to fly out the window.
7) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Superbowl Sunday!!! (Message 1633664)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
By gum...so you are...I'll give it a go...
8) Message boards : Cafe SETI : My first post... (Message 1633663)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Now then...is that squirrel after your nuts....
9) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Superbowl Sunday!!! (Message 1633605)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Ah well...what about a Bing!!
10) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beer Drinkers thread part 23 (Message 1633603)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
I'll raise a glass later, Mike...
11) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Superbowl Sunday!!! (Message 1633600)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Can we have a... clang!!
12) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Superbowl Sunday!!! (Message 1633597)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Followed by a...Pong!
13) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Rocky's Original Cafe - restocked & opened 22/12/2014 (Message 1633592)
Posted 27 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
You need Miggins to give you a spread you'll never forget....
14) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1633026)
Posted 26 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight to Amsterdam.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence...and lose... he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am”.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00am. Wake up."



Bill left work one Friday afternoon.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.




One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second a angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true---the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?


No?















Yeah, I didn't get one either.
15) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1633025)
Posted 26 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Welcome home, Gnu!!!

Nice avatar!!!


Cheers Angela...yep..she's a little corker...

Just spent the morning with her.
16) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1633010)
Posted 26 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Not too bad me old mucker.....
17) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1632968)
Posted 26 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
Thanks folks....good to be able to pop in and say hello.
18) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1632874)
Posted 26 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
It's a hard life being a critter...




19) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Robin Williams dead at 63. (Message 1555396)
Posted 12 Aug 2014 by Profile Gnu
It's a sad day...a true genius...
20) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Eyes to the sky as big moon rises. (Message 1555395)
Posted 12 Aug 2014 by Profile Gnu
Missed the supermoon last night..but managed to get a glimpse tonight, while I was waiting the ISS passed over...

The wind was blowing like crazy, hence the shakey video, even with a tripod.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wHJE3CaqY8&list=UUc1KRqc4vHeUNyuAnTx0Rag


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