Posts by Gnu


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1) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1480827)
Posted 56 days ago by Profile Gnu
I've had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life this morning...

I had to take our Jack Russell to the vets, I could see it in his eyes, when I picked him up, that he knew it was time.

As I walked into the vets I held him close to my chest, his little eyes looking up at me, I didn't want to have to do it, but it was the only option.

With a heavy heart I passed him to the vet, he asked:"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes", I said," Cut his tail off, the mother in law is coming round this afternoon, I don't want anything in the house to make her think shes welcome."
2) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3. (Message 1476329)
Posted 66 days ago by Profile Gnu
Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a Stag party may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to orgasm. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever, Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they 'love to watch sport' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports fans.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
(a) both urinating,
(b) both waiting in line, etc.
(c) or all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics, Ever.
3) Message boards : Cafe SETI : What are you watching on YouTube today? (Message 1476328)
Posted 66 days ago by Profile Gnu
Whole Lotta Rosie


Wanna tell you story
About woman I know
When it comes to lovin'
She steals the show
She ain't exactly pretty
Ain't exactly small
Fourt'two thirt'ninefiftysix
You could say she's got it all.....
4) Message boards : Cafe SETI : My Mom (Message 1473952)
Posted 71 days ago by Profile Gnu
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, Allie.

As Dan said...many missed her presence here. ..now we'll miss her even more.
5) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3. (Message 1458359)
Posted 112 days ago by Profile Gnu
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 25 year dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."



Grandpa and his grandson were in the backyard digging worms to go fishing,
when finally, the grandson saw a worm sticking about halfway out of a hole.
The grandson grabbed hold of the worm and pulled it out the rest of the
way.

Grandpa said, "I'll bet you £1.00 you can't put that worm back in
the hole." The grandson thought about it for a moment, then turned and ran
into the house. Soon he came back out with a can of hairspray, thoroughly
coated the worm, making it stiff as a board, then gently slid the worm back
into the hole. Grandpa shrugged and handed him a £1.00 coin.

The next morning, the grandson was sitting on the front porch when
Grandpa came out of the house and held out another £1.00 coin and said,
"Here's £1.00 son." The grandson said, "But grandpa, you already gave me
£1.00 for the bet." Grandpa said, "I know, but this one is from grandma."
6) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Happy Birthday Chris S (Message 1458354)
Posted 112 days ago by Profile Gnu
By 'eck you're finally starting to mature...like a fine port...
7) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Worst Christmas Jokes (Message 1458353)
Posted 112 days ago by Profile Gnu
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky.


What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker.
8) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beet's Give Us A Caption #54 (Message 1458350)
Posted 112 days ago by Profile Gnu
Do my ears look big in this?
9) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Good reasons to not ride the Harley. (Message 1458349)
Posted 112 days ago by Profile Gnu
I must get my eyes tested...I thought the thread title read...

Good reasons to not ride Harvey
10) Message boards : Team Recruitment Center : The Final Front Ear (Message 1458345)
Posted 112 days ago by Profile Gnu
Be afraid...very afraid...it's 10 years since we were let loose...

11) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Dogbytes.... (Message 1455939)
Posted 120 days ago by Profile Gnu
Time flies but the memories don't diminish...it's 6 years since our Dog passed away.

So if you can spare a moments pause and remember and maybe raise a glass....

12) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Nelson Mandela dies at age 95 (Message 1450903)
Posted 134 days ago by Profile Gnu


Mandiba
13) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Your Puns O Fun (Message 1448338)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
I don't get the point.
14) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3. (Message 1448307)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
15) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Your Puns O Fun (Message 1448301)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
Wot you raven on about?
16) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Will Comet Ison.. (Message 1448289)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
Looks like it may not have disappeared after all...


Hope still for 'dead' Comet Ison

17) Message boards : Cafe SETI : "good cracker, good cracker!" (Message 1448182)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
It's all down to regional accents. ....

Where I come from it's pronounced scon

Other parts of the country say scown as in own.
18) Message boards : Cafe SETI : "good cracker, good cracker!" (Message 1448092)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
It is scone as in gone, or scones as in Dons.

I wouldn't dare to ask Miggins, Sidney might have the courage ....

(Usually Courage Best ...)




...as in Dons my good man...
19) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Will Comet Ison.. (Message 1448077)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu
Comet Ison seems to have been destroyed in its encounter with the Sun.

Telescopes saw the giant ball of ice and dust disappear behind the star, but then fail to emerge as expected.

Astronomers continue to search for the object, but it is almost certain the much vaunted "Comet of the Century" has gone out with a whimper.

Despite its great size, Ison was probably torn apart in the immense heat and tidal forces so close to the Sun.

Prof Tim O'Brien, associate director of Jodrell Bank, UK, said: "The nucleus has gone very faint, which you wouldn't expect.

"We can't be sure - but it's not looking good. We'll have to keep watching."

Ison had captivated skywatchers with its promise all year.

A "fresh" object flung in towards the inner Solar System from its home far beyond the outer planet Neptune, it was hoped it might produce a brilliant tail that would arc across the night sky, perhaps for weeks.

And, as it got closer and closer to the Sun, its ices did indeed begin to vaporise, releasing dust that shimmered in a distinctive trailing stream.

But from early on, it was clear Ison was unlikely to be spectacular; it was just not brightening as predicted.

This led scientists to fear for its survival when it eventually grazed past the star at a distance of 1.2 million km at 18:35 GMT on Thursday.

The European and and US space agencies' Sun-watching Soho satellite observed Ison approach, and sweep, behind the Sun, but then fail to come back around. Minutes after the comet should have reappeared, the Soho images showed nothing.

Passing close to the Sun, Ison would have been subjected to temperatures up to abut 2,000C. And the immense gravity of the star would also have pulled and squeezed on the object as it tumbled end of end.

The evidence in telescopic images suggests this was all too much, and Ison's nucleus simply fell apart.

Ah well..
20) Message boards : Cafe SETI : "good cracker, good cracker!" (Message 1448069)
Posted 142 days ago by Profile Gnu




Gerroutoffit, they can't even pronounce scones properly, north of Watford!!



I say squire....wot is you incineratin'... they is scon(e)s up 'ere...

Just ask Miggins...if you dare..


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