Posts by Gnu

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1) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1680668)
Posted 17 May 2015 by Profile Gnu
'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.' I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.

Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.

When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago",

To which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
2) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beet's give us a caption #60 (Message 1664750)
Posted 13 Apr 2015 by Profile Gnu
I know I asked for whiskey on the rocks....but...
3) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1655653)
Posted 22 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
Three chaps die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven
... don't step on the ducks."

So, they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first fellow accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second chap steps on a duck...... along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first fellow.

The third chap has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, very careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on ... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
4) Message boards : Science (non-SETI) : The Sun (Message 1655054)
Posted 20 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
Unfortunately the cloud put paid to watching the partial solar eclipse over the UK...but managed to video this before they rolled in....

Partial Solar Eclipse over the UK
5) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1652724)
Posted 14 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
6) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1651932)
Posted 12 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
I went in to a pet shop last week….

I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
7) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1650892)
Posted 9 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.

"Oh my God, what is it? My wife is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no."

He said, "I'm sorry sir, there's been a terrible accident."

Sobbing, I asked, "What is it?"

"We've knocked on the wrong door."

How Did It Happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said,"No,everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
8) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Say E.T. lands, does SETI go on? (Message 1649615)
Posted 5 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
If they do pop in to say hello...they'll probably tell us we're looking in the wrong place... ;o)
9) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Tim Hunt/Captain Avatar (Message 1649543)
Posted 5 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
I did not do this, but it is a fitting tribute

It is that...
10) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1649541)
Posted 5 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"...because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
11) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1648812)
Posted 3 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu

You don't see this every day..
12) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1648654)
Posted 3 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really big chap. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
13) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Tim Hunt/Captain Avatar (Message 1648488)
Posted 2 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
For info...Tim's Obituary can be found here.
14) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1648070)
Posted 1 Mar 2015 by Profile Gnu
A shop owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very shortskirts.

One day a young man enters a store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But its startin' to twitch."
15) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Tim Hunt/Captain Avatar (Message 1647502)
Posted 27 Feb 2015 by Profile Gnu

Tim and times gone by..
16) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Tim Hunt/Captain Avatar (Message 1647458)
Posted 27 Feb 2015 by Profile Gnu
Many of you will know Tim as a regular contributor to this forum over the years...It with great sadness that I post this..This appeared on his Facebook page not too long ago.

Hello everybody, this is Mirra posting. I am sorry to say that my father passed away this morning. Thank you all for your support and your prayers. You all knew my dad as many things besides Tim Hunt. You knew him as Mr. Bennington, Timmy, "that guy with the camera", the person you grew up with and the person who was always there for this community, a community he greatly loved and cherished like nobody else. Thank you again for the mass amounts of prayers and love sent this way.
17) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1647115)
Posted 27 Feb 2015 by Profile Gnu
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

A little old man shuffled slowly... into an ice cream parlour.

He pulled himself slowly... painfully... up onto a stool...

After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis".

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught mother "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The doctor dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
18) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Miggins Magnificent Mouthwatering Mouthfuls (Message 1645706)
Posted 23 Feb 2015 by Profile Gnu
I didn't know she'd got fact I had no idea she was musical, unless you count the time she engaged us all about the time she played with Sidney's castanets

If we ask politely..she may just retell the tale...Sorry Sidney
19) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1645293)
Posted 22 Feb 2015 by Profile Gnu
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, as you’d expect, went ballistic. 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!". 

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Eddie has not been seen since...
20) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1634375)
Posted 29 Jan 2015 by Profile Gnu
My wife asked me to buy Organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again...

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a £100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer £100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!'

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

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