Posts by Gnu


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1) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1634375)
Posted 1 day ago by Profile Gnu
My wife asked me to buy Organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."






I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again...






My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.






The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a £100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer £100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!'

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
2) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Your patience levels? (Message 1634362)
Posted 1 day ago by Profile Gnu
Maybe there is...on one planet we'll never discover....
3) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Your patience levels? (Message 1634356)
Posted 1 day ago by Profile Gnu
I have infinite patience when it's needed...but I do not suffer fools...that's when it tends to fly out the window.
4) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Australian Open: Day 12: Friday 30 January (Message 1633664)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
By gum...so you are...I'll give it a go...
5) Message boards : Cafe SETI : My first post... (Message 1633663)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
Now then...is that squirrel after your nuts....
6) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Australian Open: Day 12: Friday 30 January (Message 1633605)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
Ah well...what about a Bing!!
7) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beer Drinkers thread part 23 (Message 1633603)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
I'll raise a glass later, Mike...
8) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Australian Open: Day 12: Friday 30 January (Message 1633600)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
Can we have a... clang!!
9) Message boards : Cafe SETI : TLPTPW #230 - Australian Open: Day 12: Friday 30 January (Message 1633597)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
Followed by a...Pong!
10) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Rocky's Original Cafe - restocked & opened 22/12/2014 (Message 1633592)
Posted 2 days ago by Profile Gnu
You need Miggins to give you a spread you'll never forget....
11) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1633026)
Posted 3 days ago by Profile Gnu
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight to Amsterdam.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence...and lose... he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am”.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00am. Wake up."



Bill left work one Friday afternoon.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.




One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second a angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true---the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?


No?















Yeah, I didn't get one either.
12) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1633025)
Posted 3 days ago by Profile Gnu
Welcome home, Gnu!!!

Nice avatar!!!


Cheers Angela...yep..she's a little corker...

Just spent the morning with her.
13) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1633010)
Posted 4 days ago by Profile Gnu
Not too bad me old mucker.....
14) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1632968)
Posted 4 days ago by Profile Gnu
Thanks folks....good to be able to pop in and say hello.
15) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Raccoon Update XX I - All are welcome in the Critter Cafe (Message 1632874)
Posted 4 days ago by Profile Gnu
It's a hard life being a critter...




16) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Robin Williams dead at 63. (Message 1555396)
Posted 12 Aug 2014 by Profile Gnu
It's a sad day...a true genius...
17) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Eyes to the sky as big moon rises. (Message 1555395)
Posted 12 Aug 2014 by Profile Gnu
Missed the supermoon last night..but managed to get a glimpse tonight, while I was waiting the ISS passed over...

The wind was blowing like crazy, hence the shakey video, even with a tripod.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wHJE3CaqY8&list=UUc1KRqc4vHeUNyuAnTx0Rag
18) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1550500)
Posted 31 Jul 2014 by Profile Gnu
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."




An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."




A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. "

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin."

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself."

"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud."

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.




An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
19) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1550082)
Posted 30 Jul 2014 by Profile Gnu
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
20) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1535655)
Posted 3 Jul 2014 by Profile Gnu
The other week the Police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.


They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly.....


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