My Gawd, it's no wonder you are still all alone in a hoarder's house with only cats for company.
What level of dysfunction can turn, what must have been at one time a normal person, into such a drama queen?

If you're going, go.
If you're not going, lay off the melodrama.
For, I do declare, this overacting is giving me a case of the vapours. Oh my.

---

I do not fight fascists because I think I can win.
I fight them because they are fascists.
Chris Hedges

A riot is the language of the unheard. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

OK..........time to clear the air.
...... <snip>......

I hope those that have been around a while and considered me a friend still do so.

We know that you know that we know your humanity and way of being.

You are nuts. :)

The sun shines because it is.

We shine because we can.

My Gawd, it's no wonder you are still all alone in a hoarder's house with only cats for company.
What level of dysfunction can turn, what must have been at one time a normal person, into such a drama queen?

If you're going, go.
If you're not going, lay off the melodrama.
For, I do declare, this overacting is giving me a case of the vapours. Oh my.

Robert........
I can only address issues as they arrive at my mind's doorstep.
I would not expect you to understand a manic depressive's mind.

Hours later, I am doing better. Somewhat.
Do you have a clue, Richard, what it is to go to bed at night in FEAR of the next day?
Do you, Richard?
Overacting? Am I? If I am not going........
Oh, I assure you, I am going somewhere.
But................
Hours from now?

But, I welcome any lucidity that God offers these days.
The rest of you are able to determine each day's fate somewhat when you awaken.
Mine is mostly left to chance.
And you are left to make jokes of it all.
Thank you, Robert.

God rest you and bless you, my friend.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Brain chemicals..........check.
Whiskey.........check.
Sanity.............check.

Must be doing a bit better in the brain chem department today.
I actually goaded myself to get to the grocery store and buy a big block of lasagna.
400f for 1hr 40 minutes................timer.

I am going to try to eat some functional food for a change.
Just have to try not to go to sleep and burn it up...........LOL.

I do hope that just a few of you realize what a blessing you are to me.
One more click away from sanity and I am gone from you forever.
Not from this planet, but into a home away from home.
And I don't think they allow kitties there...........so they are also a powerful magnet to reality.
Some of you think I am a joke.
But you also do not understand how powerful the attraction of just letting go IS.

No more work, no more job, no more responsibilities.
But with that also comes no more freedom.
And I have lived by myself for over 40 years, so that is the big no go.
The day I can not determine each moment's fate from one to the other..............
And then I am going back to Kpax. You remember Robert Porter. I am he, just one thread of life separates us.
I will when that happens, just shrink into a ball within myself and virtually die.
They could keep me alive for years, physically. But nobody would care.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

And do any of you quite realize what a significant step I took for myself when I chose to change my hair color?
DO you understand that was a change of life for me?
And it traumatized me until I got up the next morning and looked in the mirror.
And saw that it was good.
And that I had not asked them to shave my head.

These are things that are so hard for some people to understand.
Being functional and being able to go to work and hold a job do not always mean you are happy.

It sometimes means you are able to earn a living and then go home and cry about it.
And get back up the next day and repeat the cycle. Ad infinitum.

And these Seti forums, I must apologize, are sometimes my only way to break that cycle for a time.
I am very sorry to those I have offended.
I shall go back to watching youtube vids for a while in the hope that I may find something to console my while the lasagna bakes.

I hope that I have given some of you sane folks a glimpse on what it might be if you lost what you take so for granted.

Meow for now.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Brain chemicals..........check.
Whiskey.........check.
Sanity.............check.

Litter box scooper........check
Plastic bags.......check
Carpet cleaner.......check
Cat carrier.........check
Mod buttons..........check

---

And your behavior over the last few weeks just reminded me of something.

Mind the words very closely.

I do not care anymore. We never played by the same rules, anyway,
Did we ever? No, we did not play on the same table except for a few moments when I was actually allowed to be a mod.
Remember that one?

I could not have said it better myself.
Every single word in the song rings so true.

So many of you are self denying in so many ways it makes me wanna puke.
And for what? You attack me for posting the truth, most of the time.
I am not always right, and I accept that. Bring me down when I am wrong, but please do not abuse me when I am telling simple truths.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

I would not expect you to understand a manic depressive's mind.

I seem to recall you once admitting this to be a self diagnosis.
Since everything you say is bulls4!t, there's no way of knowing if the admission was bull or if the depression is bull.
It matters little.

What matters even less is the story of a lonely 60 year old virgin, living in a house full of garbage (you admitted that too) and cats.
To overcome feelings of overwhelming underachievement, the man rages to the world, "NOTICE ME! I AM HERE!"
But no one gives a damn because the lonely 60 year old virgin in a dirty house full of garbage and cats has spent years gradually insulting or even threatening others online.

Now this guy spends his time talking to himself in his own little thread.
Not playing well with others is how you end up alone online.
meow

---

I do not fight fascists because I think I can win.
I fight them because they are fascists.
Chris Hedges

A riot is the language of the unheard. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

.

Now this guy spends his time talking to himself in his own little thread.
Not playing well with others is how you end up alone online.
meow

And yet you talked to me.
Insulted me, but talked to me.

I do not play well with others.
I am a very sick man, for reasons I have posted.

I, always since being a firstborn, tended to stay by myself.
I was born to an alcoholic mother, and the most overbearing and controlling father you could ever imagine.
I only months ago finally told him in a rather heated exchange that I would no longer communicate with him if he ever dissed my mother again. He is gradually resuming some comms.

Yes, this is my thread.
And I feel free to express some of my most inner feelings within it.
I also welcome any and all input, even if it abusive.
I shall respond when needed.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

...............
It matters little.
.........

Every thing matters to those that are aware of a thing.

It is just a matter of how, in what way and how much.

Only those who care (in one form or way or another) respond or react.

Truth belongs to the gods and mathematicians.

The rest of us have to deal in our own honesties. ..

... and of course try to play nicely :)~

.

And could somebody teach me how to be nice?
I do not think that is possible at my age.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

And could somebody teach me how to be nice?
I do not think that is possible at my age.

Don't look at me!

They say age mellows and makes us more diplomatic and wise.

I think it can also make us more cranky and urgent.

You are all a case in point. ;-) <Grin>

.

And could somebody teach me how to be nice?
I do not think that is possible at my age.

Don't look at me!

They say age mellows and makes us more diplomatic and wise.

I think it can also make us more cranky and urgent.

You are all a case in point. ;-) <Grin>

.

I was taught to state your business, and be quick about it.
Short, to the point and if I am angry, throw a punch for the exclamation point.
That is what I was taught.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

...
I was taught to state your business, and be quick about it.
Short, to the point and if I am angry, throw a punch for the exclamation point.
That is what I was taught.

I was taught:

. "If you don't ask you don't get
. and if you ask you don't get."

Not all that teach are wise.

Unlearning is a pain.

I was taught how to tie my shoelaces though :)

...
I was taught to state your business, and be quick about it.
Short, to the point and if I am angry, throw a punch for the exclamation point.
That is what I was taught.

I was taught:

. "If you don't ask you don't get
. and if you ask you don't get."

Not all that teach are wise.

Unlearning is a pain.

I was taught how to tie my shoelaces though :)

I have worn pullup boots for all of my life.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

What I need you all to know is that, with all it's problems, questions, and doubts.........

I pray and I thank God every day for giving me this life.
I truly do.

Because for all it's sorrows, it has some beauty beyond compare at times.
And that makes trudging though the worst of it worth it when the sunshine comes.

I do so love the sunshine.
And my cats.
And Lori.
And you, my Seti friends.
And schnitzel with noodles.
Can I be a friend today?

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

I should ask one thing.

Could you wish me well for the rest of what remains of my life's journey?
It would mean very much to me to know that you may understand and can hold in my hand something to take along with me on my way.
A Seti kiss, so to speak.

I do not know where my path shall lead me today or tomorrow.

I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.
I may do a Groundhog day and tomorrow be right here where I started.

Or, I may break the loop and return to whatever day it is.
I need some help. And there is no way in hell I am going to a shrink.
Some more gentle things are needed for me to survive.
It won't take but a few seconds of your time, and you are already here.
Just post some encouragement................please?

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

I share some things that others might take to the grave.
That is both a right, and a privilage of trust.
My trust in you.
Today and tomorrow, and when I am gone from this earthly torment we all call life.
Please understand, that as I leave, it shall be on my own terms.
Not yours, and not anybody elses.
I have things iun certain play that are hastening my departure.
And none of these is or shall be common knowledge for a few months from now.
I shall fight it until I die from it,.

Until that time, I can carry on as usual.

I am, I am told, going to be OK for a few months, and then, I am going to crash hard and the pass away.
That is what my prognossis is. I am fighting so many 'health providers' that will not let me see daylight, and the now I understand things.................
They will not fund the care I need, because in their better interests, they would rather see me have a very fast death.
And they may get their wish, as I have seconds left on the life clock./

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Mark you are either manic- whatever, Or bi-polar. In either case drinking is the wrong thing to be doing.
You should see your family Dr. first and tell him whats going on.
Do you know the saying, Measure twice and cut once? Maybe you should think twice and post once.
And to tell the truth, I think you are loosing it. There was a time where you could hold a decent conversation with anybody on here. Those days are rare now.
Yes I know you saw your brother commit suicide. That would be tough to see.
But there are worse things. Like seeing a pilots cooked brains in his flight helmet. Or having a woman you are giving CPR to have a massive hemmorage in your mouth. Or seeing a 3 year old girl get ejected out the rea window of a van. Or seeing a jogger get hit by a car that ran a red light. And seeing him cartwheel through the air. Or when your fighting a fire and finding a 5 year old girl whos burnt to death, And your glad she was face down so you didn't have to see her face. Yeah that's what ive seen.
Life is tough. You either get on with it or you just give up and die. Me I want to live.
So you can get help and live or just feel sorry for yourself that you had a bad life.
Its you who decides what life you want. Not us!

---

[/quote]

Old James

My cats are gonna rule the world.

Skitzo meow.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster