My GF is about to do her 6'th surgery now:(
She's in good spirits though, remember she's a Finn with Sisu.
But I know she remember her father that also had the same problem.
The very last thing he said to my GF before he passed away after nurses dropped him in a staircase and broke his neck was:
Sorry. Have to go now:(

My GF is about to do her 6'th surgery now:(

Janne, I hope and pray that she will be ok.

Just up and looking around. I've been struggling with poor sleeping for a long time. ~Really for the last several years before my mother became sick, I was having trouble with sleeping, but that was because I was working a 3rd shift job. After I quit working and was taking care of her full time, I woke up a lot due to her needs, and now I have anxiety about the present and future which causes insomnia and unrestful sleep.

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The mind is a weird and mysterious place

As far as depression goes, I know a lot about that, too. If it's a lifetime illness, it's hard to self-diagnosis it because that state of mind is "normal", even though the symptoms may be "abnormal" for others. It's hard for a person who has been depressed all his life to understand how some people are so "up" all the time. I know people who really are happy all the time, and they are blessed with an abundance of serotonin and dopamine firing constantly across their synapses, but I'm not one of 'em.

Neither am I, Gordon.
And I am truly just starting to understand that after many years of just living with it.
Yes, it IS hard to self diagnose. Because from within, of COURSE one generally thinks that they are just fine, and it has to be everybody else that has a 'problem'.
I am working on it.

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

So sorry to hear the road to recovery has lengthened, Janne :(

@sleep - y-e-e-e-e-e-s
I can't actually remember what it feels like to sleep to be honest. Not beyond snatches anyway.

Like you, Gordon - being or becoming a light sleeper is what happens when you know you might be needed by someone during the night. That in itself is going to cause anxiety. If you were ever someone who enjoyed deeper sleep - just adjusting back to that would take time and cause anxiety as well I imagine. I remember the first time my daughter slept through the night ... oddly - that has never been the case with my son - but that's beside the point... I woke up in a complete panic convinced she was dead. It took me ages to get to properly appreciate a decent sleep.

But like Mark - I'm getting to grips with anti-depressants and have been since last November - coupled with counselling - I'm getting to where I need to be, but it is really slow going. I've hit a set back with one particular side-effect that gets listed in that section where they don't have a statistic so much as a "some people report". So I am one of them apparently, grinding my teeth in my sleep... *watch everyone start backing away* ;) there really is no safe distance people... no ... because I'm a light sleeper, means I wake up almost as soon as I fall asleep just from the noise, Unfortunately - it has now also triggered neuralgia. I'm also being given a wide berth at night by my cats - which makes me feel quite sad in itself :/

Getting back to anxiety though, it can undermine physical health significantly. A lot of people try things like meditation and report good effects. It might be worth a try?

edit: there have been a lot of edits. Brain spasm involving the preview button. I think this is the last one...

Getting back to anxiety though, it can undermine physical health significantly. A lot of people try things like meditation and report good effects. It might be worth a try?

I'm already a pretty good meditator, but there is a place near me that offers some free classes I'm looking into... http://earthandspiritcenter.org/school-of-meditation/

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The mind is a weird and mysterious place

I took care of my mother in her house for three years after she got sick, and now that she's gone, I feel lost. I could have posted my feelings in the Depression thread, too, but this really isn't generalized depression. What I'm feeling is sadness about my mother's death. I knew it was coming, but I think if we all are honest, we have this unreal notion in our heads that our parents are superheroes and will never die. It's been two months since my mother died, and I'm ok in the grand scheme of things, but I think about my mother and my dad(who died 35 years ago), and I wonder what I'm supposed to do now. What's my purpose in life, now?

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The mind is a weird and mysterious place

I'm not going to tell you nothing that you already don't know. Go find something to take your time up with. Maybe a part time something until you finally decide yourself what you want.

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... but I think about my mother and my dad(who died 35 years ago), and I wonder what I'm supposed to do now. What's my purpose in life, now?

Gordon, even though I never knew your parents, I think that I can say with about 99.99% certainty that when you were born, your parents didn't look down at you in your crib and say, "Gosh, I hope Gordon's sole purpose in life is to take care of us someday. Then he will have fulfilled his destiny."

Rather, I'm betting that your parents looked down at you in your crib, smiled and imagined all the wonderful life experiences you would have, from cradle to grave.

It is still so close to your mother's passing that you may not be able to explore options easily right now.

I just hope that, with the passage of time, you will find it in your heart to give yourself permission to continue to have a life full of experiences, rather than a life full of memories.

Wishing you peace, friend.

... but I think about my mother and my dad(who died 35 years ago), and I wonder what I'm supposed to do now. What's my purpose in life, now?

Gordon, even though I never knew your parents, I think that I can say with about 99.99% certainty that when you were born, your parents didn't look down at you in your crib and say, "Gosh, I hope Gordon's sole purpose in life is to take care of us someday. Then he will have fulfilled his destiny."

Rather, I'm betting that your parents looked down at you in your crib, smiled and imagined all the wonderful life experiences you would have, from cradle to grave.

It is still so close to your mother's passing that you may not be able to explore options easily right now.

I just hope that, with the passage of time, you will find it in your heart to give yourself permission to continue to have a life full of experiences, rather than a life full of memories.

Wishing you peace, friend.

That helps me also. My father always wanted me to prepare for the future, and not concentrate on fun things. It was all academics at school. Seldom were any of the things I did good enough. I have felt guilt about the things I am planning now, but in a way I realize that this is the future I was always planning for, even though I could not have achieved them without his help after his death. I will just make the best decisions I can.

Steve

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Warning, addicted to SETI crunching!
Crunching as a member of GPU Users Group.
GPUUG Website

It is strange and thought provoking seeing what others are going through.

Unlike Gordon and his mother I never had a close relationship with my father, I was a teenager in the "swinging sixties", long hair and loud music.
My lifestyle was an anathema to my father. He had fought in a war to preserve the English way of life and my generation seemed to be squandering those freedoms.
I strongly disagreed with his views on race and disabled people.

But then the time came and he needed my help, I was able so I came, and currently Angela, I do feel that my whole life has been the way it has so that I am here to look after him when he needed it.

The last week or so has been very hard, he cannot grasp anything complicated, he is waking up at all hours and if I am not awake at 4 am he walks up and down the hallway tapping his stick.

Some days he will be up as I said at 4 am others, he will sleep in till 8:45, like yesterday, however I need to be up and ready when he is as he need my help to wash dress etc..

I need to go back to Croydon for several reasons and as people here have said and I was told at the hospital, don't be afraid to ask for help.

So I had a number to ring and I did, I asked how long it would take for them to arrange temporary home care for my dad as I needed to go home for a couple of days.

I was told that they could do this with a couple of days notice. So I make arrangements to change my car (long story) and sort out a few things at my flat and decided on Thursday 27th June to go home .

On Monday I phoned the adult care line, answered many many questions, was rung back twice answered more questions, was told someone from the social work team wold be in contact.

Tuesday morning I was rung and answered more questions and was told that-there was no way they could organise care that quickly!!

I was not amused, so I asked what my options were, I was told I could try and organise private care myself, so with a bit of bad grace I said that is what I would do.

So I started ringing around home care providers, I was totally taken aback, when asked where dad lived and I said Yarmouth, two of the providers said, "No we don't go out there"

What?? the island is only 24 miles from west to east and 14 miles from north to south!!

The others I phoned all said they did not do short term care!! So there we go what is the carer supposed to do, just get on with it I suppose.

The woman from the adult care line did ring back saying there might be someone who could do those dates. I am just waiting to hear from them now.

All a bit stressful and something I do not need right now.

I also have had a few really "down" moments and I suppose it could be called depression. With me it is just a sudden wave of "hopelessness" seem to envelope me and and I breakdown in tears.

Doesn't happen often but it did this morning, I find that my daily walks help a lot, although today I just had the desire to sit on the sea wall and watch the ships in the Solent for the rest of the day.

Luckily I didn't succumb to the thought as I suspect my dad would have been a bit upset, (and probably quite hungry)

Hopefully things will work out one way or another.

I'm not going to tell you nothing that you already don't know. Go find something to take your time up with. Maybe a part time something until you finally decide yourself what you want.

I'm trying.

It is still so close to your mother's passing that you may not be able to explore options easily right now.

I agree.

I just hope that, with the passage of time, you will find it in your heart to give yourself permission to continue to have a life full of experiences, rather than a life full of memories.

I hope so, too.

a sudden wave of "hopelessness" seem to envelope me and and I breakdown in tears.

I understand. I don't know why I hold mine in. I always feel better when I do let myself cry. I think it could be just a lifelong control thing with me. I don't want to lose control, and crying is loss of control, but it's good loss of control.

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The mind is a weird and mysterious place

Just an update on my care problem.

As I reported I was told on Tuesday the 18th that care could be arranged. I had heard nothing by last Friday so rang again and was told the person concerned would ring me back, they did not.

Again on Monday I rang and was told the person would ring me back they did not.

I rang again yesterday and the person I needed to speak to was not available again.

Finally yesterday I got a call from the "Adult Outreach" department saying they would be coming Wednesday to do the assessment.

Which they did and I will admit the woman who came was extremely efficient and involved my dad in the assessment whenever she could.

Better late than never I suppose.

Of course I discover that the times they can visit will not exactly be convenient, but with all my arrangements made and too late to cancel the ferry booking I will have to see how things go.

They do have my mobile number and the next door neighbour is fully aware of everything so I will have to try not to worry.

Looking after my dad is quite stressful in itself I certainly didn't need the extra stress that trying to arrange care has caused.

I always feel better when I do let myself cry. I think it could be just a lifelong control thing with me. I don't want to lose control, and crying is loss of control, but it's good loss of control.

Yes I also do not like to lose control, but it is a release, much needed sometimes, I know at the moment with dad things have been stressing me so I suspect once I am home tomorrow I will feel the need of a release.

Easier at home on my own not having to worry that dad is OK.

An update on my trip back home and the carers.

Whilst everything did not go 100% smoothly from my perspective, dad said he had not been looking forward to it but all the carers who came were very good and he was impressed with them.

So while I know things were not all done properly, dad was happy, and more importantly when I need to go home again he will know what to expect and not worry.

The main reason I went home was my car.

Currently I have a car on a lease agreement. Three years of monthly payments, then at the end you pay off the remainder and the car is yours, get a new car and another 3 year lease or just walk away.

Originally, before I came here to look after dad, I was going to walk away from my current deal which was due to end next month. In London I really did not need a car, parking is expensive and I have a free travel pass on trains and busses, also I was doing so few miles a year.

However on the island I really do need a car.

The garage in Croydon had contacted me several times trying to get me to have a new car. I explained my new circumstances and said that I really needed a much cheaper deal that I had currently.

Now this ruled out a "new" car, however they offered me a "pre-regisisted Nissan Micra. This means that although the car was "as new" with only 10 miles on the clock, because the garage had registered it then it is "second hand" it also has a "17" plate, meaning it was registered between March and August 2017, on the first of September the year identifier changes to "67" (our car registration plates are complicated and totally controlled by the motor manufacturers). More importantly it is a lot cheaper!!.

So I have just returned to the island now the proud owner of



(I have removed most of the registration as this is a public forum)

A bit smaller than I am used to and while it only has a 1.2 litre engine it is still quite nippy, it also doesn't feel "small" inside. I spent nearly 3 hours in it driving back to the island and was perfectly comfortable. It rained most of the way back but that gave me chance to try out the "automatic wipers" quite spooky actually, as if it stops raining for a while the wipers stop and you forget they are on, suddenly when rain hits the screen, off they go again.

So far I am pleased with it and just hope that dad will be able to get in tomorrow for the weekly shopping trip.

Sigh. Sometimes one can wonder.
Caring for others can also mean that you have to leave others to hospital care.
What hospitals here seem to forget is that patients need food as well.
They got meals with no veggies, no taste.
Not even calories.
A meal is about 300 calories at 5pm and then they have to wait for breakfast at 9am.
My GF's "dinner". Pickled herring on toast and egg! The pic shows two servings!

There is one side of being my dad's carer that I had not really considered. The fact that his is my father.

Now this may seem a strange thing to say but recently dad has been more confused than normal, this started after he had another breathing attack at 2am Wednesday. It was not as serious as the one that put him in hospital but it shook him up as he has no memory of the first time.

This has meant he now wishes to sleep in his chair in the living room again. This break in the normal routine has caused him to do and say odd things like, waking me up at 4.30 am to tell me he had been to the toilet and wanted to know what to do next!! He then developed a strange desire to get ready for sleep at 5:30 pm. When he does these things and has odd explanations as to why and usually says "you know what I mean" when I have no idea. I don't always see a 93 year old with a weak heart, bad eyesight, poor hearing and dementia, I still see my father and find myself getting annoyed with him as I know my dad wouldn't say and do these odd things.
It is quite difficult to become a "carer" only in these situations and we can both get a bit upset. With me it passes as I quickly realise it is the dementia not my dad.

When I came here 11 months ago I never foresaw the day I would be helping dad do almost everything and having to be alert all the time I am here, and actually taking shorter walks so I am not away too long, waking every couple of hours at night and just listening to make sure he is OK.

Still it has now become my life, 2 days off every 4 months and even worse pay!!

The report I posted yesterday is horrifying though, and no wonder people hang on at home for so long, you can't blame them.

Yes and based on that and the trouble I had arranging care for my 2 days , I realised I am on my own.

That's life, you have to put up with the cards you are dealt.

Price of care homes is, sadly, no guide to quality :-(
Before Mum was declared "fit enough not to be in hospital, but in need of 24/7 care" my brother and I looked around care homes in the area. Two stood out from the pack, one near to lower price end was "superb" in our eyes, and one near the top of the price range was "unspeakable". The "superb" one was near my brother, always clean, had local staff and a welcoming impression, the "unspeakable" didn't tick any of those boxes, and was nearly twice the price. Guess which one thee was a waiting list for!
When Mum moved into the "superb" home within a few days she was calling it "home" - something she hadn't done for a number of years in her house.

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Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

My father passed away this morning at 3am.

He had a really nasty fall. I got him back into his chair and while I was on the phone to the ambulance service he passed away before my eyes.

Many conflicting emotions at the moment, grief and loss yet the knowledge that he was in his own home in his own chair and I know that is what he would have wanted.

He has been very out of it in the last few days and I had a feeling he would not last long, but finding him as I did is quite a shock.

Then having to deal with the ambulance crew, police (sudden unexplained death) and undertakers has left me a bit drained.

Bernie,
My deepest condolences :-(

When my father died it was "sudden, but not unexpected", we managed not to get the Police involved, but the coroner was involved, and proved to be most helpful - a very polite, considerate phone call asking simple questions and all the time reassuring me that it was going to be a simple process, one of the key things was that Dad had spoken to a doctor only a few days before he died, and thus the description as "sudden, but not unexpected" - I hope the same applies to your Dad - nothing like having the medics "on your side" in this situation.

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Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

Sorry for your loss Bernie

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Life is what you make of it :-)

When i'm good i'm very good , but when i'm bad i'm shi#eloads better ;-) In't I " buttercups " p.m.s.l at authoritie !!;-)