Caring for others - tips and hints, support and strategies, or just plain offloading

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Profile tullio
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Message 1824501 - Posted: 15 Oct 2016, 17:59:31 UTC

I have two film camera, a Yashica with a Tessar lens and a Canon reflex. I have also a Sony digital camera, but it is too complicated for me, so I use the film cameras more often. But Kodak slide films are difficult to find.
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Profile Bernie Vine
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Message 1824549 - Posted: 15 Oct 2016, 21:18:22 UTC

It's been brought to my attention that elements of my opening post here are liable to be viewed as a gross breach of a vulnerable old lady's right to privacy.

Surely only if it is someone who knows you or you mother personally.

I suspect my father would not be over the moon to discover what I have said here, but just having somewhere to post my thoughts, somewhere I have posted for nearly 10 years, makes things easier. No one here knows my father or is ever likely to.

My father is probably 80% "with it", just age has left him unable to cope with everyday tasks. I am not sure I could cope with a situation like yours.

I believe we all share Gordon's feelings

"I don't want the end for her to be in a nursing home, and I am doing my best to make sure it won't be."

It is why I am here, it is all we can do.
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Message 1824550 - Posted: 15 Oct 2016, 21:22:06 UTC - in response to Message 1824501.  

Wow Tullio, if a person as well educated as you are can't
figure out these new cameras, then why am I even trying?



edit:
My wife LSM says she seconds the motion...
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Profile Gordon Lowe
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Message 1824564 - Posted: 15 Oct 2016, 23:51:08 UTC - in response to Message 1824549.  

My father is probably 80% "with it", just age has left him unable to cope with everyday tasks.


The interesting thing about my mother is some days she's 80-90% with it, and other days she's 10-20%. Today has been a 90% day, and I cherish every moment I can get. As my sig says, the mind is a weird and mysterious place.

My mother doesn't think anything is wrong with her(she even thinks she can still walk around), and I'm glad. This means she's not upset or frustrated with her situation. Of course, since I'm her private-duty nurse, I make everything so easy for her, she doesn't really notice her limitations. I just wish I could make bath time better(how did they take baths on Star Trek?).

As for writing about her situation in here, I am comfortable at the level of detail I have provided. It's free therapy for me and she loves her internet groups herself, and understands how nice a connection to kindred spirits it can be.
The mind is a weird and mysterious place
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Message 1824575 - Posted: 16 Oct 2016, 1:12:43 UTC

Bath time on Star Trek?
Enterprise had Captain Archer in a shower stall doing the soap and water thing.
The Next Generation had bath tubs. There was a spa mud bath with Worf, Alexander and Lwaxana (Troi).
Voyager has Nelix in a bubble bath.
And finally Star Trek the Motion Picture had a sonic shower.
I'm sure there are a few others that I missed or forgotten about.

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Profile Byron Leigh Hatch @ team Carl Sagan
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Message 1826133 - Posted: 22 Oct 2016, 16:31:04 UTC - in response to Message 1818069.  
Last modified: 22 Oct 2016, 17:14:08 UTC



You're born, then you die. It's what you do between those 2 events that defines a person.

Beautifully put. Annie, Bernie, Pat and Gordon, your loved ones are lucky to be in such good hands.


+ one Billion to the above.

I guess i am just plain offloading. I lost my dear Brother in January of 2016. I was a care giver for two years, I think I have a human weakness or is it a human fault? I tend to keep to keep things to my self, I am sometimes afraid or scared to talk to other people, or ask for help? and I think that has brought back my depression. so i am going back to our local mental health centre for help. talk therapy has help me in the past. I have mentioned before, that I am a quiet and shy Pearson by nature. When i see the human cruelty in the world today and how other people with much more serious problems than myself show courage and determination, i am so ashamed of myself.

I don't what else say ... except to say i think i feel beter now for offloading :)

and to say ... I think all our life experience are different, yet so alike in some ways ...

God bless you Gordon Lowe, Annie, Bernie, Pat, Jullie, Celtoth, Vic, Mike, Angela, Es99, Suzie-Q, BladeD, Carlos, David S, Wiggo, lynn, Sirius B, Robert Waite, Gary Charpentier, Admiral Gloval, zoom314, TimeLord04, J. Mileski, OzzFan, Jim_S, SciManStev, Graham Middleton, Puss In Boots ... sorry if mssed anyone ... and all in our SETI@home community ...

Please let there Peace on Planet Earth,
Byron
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Profile Mike Special Project $75 donor
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Message 1826135 - Posted: 22 Oct 2016, 16:39:07 UTC

I told you that once Byron.
To me you are one of the nicest personalities i had the pleasure to know in my life.


With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.
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Message 1826136 - Posted: 22 Oct 2016, 16:39:31 UTC - in response to Message 1826133.  

Sorry to hear about your brother Byron. There are some good people here to help you along. Depression is a devil to deal with. Nice to see you posting again.
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Profile Angela Special Project $75 donor
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Message 1826141 - Posted: 22 Oct 2016, 17:36:32 UTC

Wishing you peace, Byron, as you mourn the loss of your beloved brother.
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Message 1826185 - Posted: 22 Oct 2016, 22:36:19 UTC - in response to Message 1826141.  

I'm also sorry for the loss of your brother, Byron. God Bless you and your brother. Both of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Message 1826220 - Posted: 23 Oct 2016, 0:57:12 UTC - in response to Message 1826133.  
Last modified: 23 Oct 2016, 1:41:43 UTC

Oh Byron, I'm so sorry to hear your news :(( When we lose someone we love, the world becomes a much sadder place, even though most of the people in it won't and don't know that it is, and that can feel so lonely :(

It can be very hard opening up to others. We skim at the surface so often because when we hear the words "how are you" we worry that if we really said how we really were, that the smile in the voice that asked us, might go, and we know we didn't want to do that :(

We don't pick up the phone because we're afraid that just one word of kindness might make us weep, and when it's been bottled up for so long, we worry that we might not know how to stop once we start :/

I'm terrible at asking for help. I don't think I've ever done it properly, or in good time :) I'm being forced in that direction now because I'm not coping, and I'm not brave. I'm frightened all the time of my every tomorrow, because the people who depend on me to help them keep happy, I'm not, and that's not me. Sometimes it feels like I've lost the point of why I'm here and in their lives. It's been a long time since I last felt that, and I'd forgotten how horrible and isolated it makes you feel.

I've missed your posts so much! They always lift my spirits and make me smile :) And Mike is right in absolutely everything he said :)

I'm glad you're going to take the steps to work your way through and out of your depression, and thank you so much for posting about it. It's the spur I needed to pick up the phone on Monday and make an appointment for me, and how I am, because until I do, I'm not going to be able to help the people I care about in the ways they need me to.

Offloading is good :) Keep up the good work, okay? :)

As for this:

Please let there Peace on Planet Earth

+ one billion (at least)

edit: just popped back to leave a big hug for you

HUG
^there^
and to tell you about my inbox.

I'm a very good listener in there :)
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anniet
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Message 1826320 - Posted: 23 Oct 2016, 15:43:47 UTC

I do find these boards a nice place to be when I'm down, you know. There are so many lovely people here, willing to share glimpses into their day and I find that heartwarming :) It's easy to forget that sometimes when I've not had the time to potter about in them, though :/
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Profile Smoke me a kipper
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Message 1826387 - Posted: 24 Oct 2016, 0:25:46 UTC

@Byron Leigh Hatch
I lost my dear Brother in January of 2016

My deepest condolences to you, Sir. I lost my sister in January of this year. It is a pain unlike any other I have experienced. Seek the support you've mentioned sooner rather than later. I've been fortunate in the people helping me out of the destructive downward spiral I was on. They were there throughout, I just didn't see it. I think you have some good friends here. :-) Lean on them if you can.

@anniet
I'm terrible at asking for help

Sometimes that is all you need to say. I may know someone who can offer up some of their time. I'll PM you with their details. :-)

@everyone here
You are all an inspiration to me. Thank you :-)
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anniet
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Message 1826691 - Posted: 25 Oct 2016, 14:30:08 UTC

For anyone who needs one

HERE -------------------------------- v



is a bag of hugs ---------------------- ^


and here --- v



is a demonstration on one of the best ways to make use of it...

confession: I didn't ring the doctor's yesterday :/ Yes, I know I said I would but I had a tired hand, okay. But I did today :) and I have an appointment tomorrow morning for ME and I will go, no matter what bits complain about being too tired :)
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Message 1826702 - Posted: 25 Oct 2016, 23:03:42 UTC - in response to Message 1826691.  

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Message 1834705 - Posted: 7 Dec 2016, 22:44:07 UTC

I have been sitting here with this page open for some time just staring into space.

The realisation has started to come that I do not know what is going on inside my dads head.

While on a daily basis things seem OK, I am finding some of his behaviour just a little odd and slightly secretive.

I will not go into details here, but after tonight I am really going to have to watch all he does more closely, which being the person he is and because of his upbringing I know he will hate.

I understand that when you get old your body doesn't work the way it used to and I can come to terms with that, I am not sure he can.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense I just needed to "offload". And that is the most difficult part, being here on my own.

I think a glass or two of wine may well be in order.
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Message 1834708 - Posted: 7 Dec 2016, 22:50:34 UTC - in response to Message 1834705.  

Yeah I can sympathize on all of this, especially on the body not working like it used to, did I say that I detest OA?
The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's
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Message 1834714 - Posted: 7 Dec 2016, 23:22:43 UTC

Bernie, wishing you peace as you puzzle out the needs of your father. It is so hard for our elders to admit they need help. It is probably normal for your father to try and hide things from you. The bigger challenge will be to help him "save face" when you figure out what sorts of assistance he needs.
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Message 1834743 - Posted: 8 Dec 2016, 3:58:41 UTC - in response to Message 1834705.  
Last modified: 8 Dec 2016, 4:10:12 UTC

I have been sitting here with this page open for some time just staring into space.

Well if you're staring there, then it's most likely you're rebooting your head, Bernie. Don't alarm it or it will take several attempts

The realisation has started to come that I do not know what is going on inside my dads head.

:( Do you know if he knows, or at least thinks he knows what's going on in there? Sometimes a gentle query will promote a moment of self-questioning that reveals my mum doesn't. It doesn't always feel kind, though, and can result in a defensive or even hostile response, but humour and affection can mitigate the worst of those usually

While on a daily basis things seem OK, I am finding some of his behaviour just a little odd and slightly secretive.

I will not go into details here, but after tonight I am really going to have to watch all he does more closely, which being the person he is and because of his upbringing I know he will hate.

I understand that when you get old your body doesn't work the way it used to and I can come to terms with that, I am not sure he can.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense I just needed to "offload". And that is the most difficult part, being here on my own.

I think a glass or two of wine may well be in order.

I am so sorry, Bernie :( I hope the wine has helped. Over time, paranoia has formed an increasingly significant role in my mum's behaviour. At the moment, torches strung round our necks or strapped to our foreheads is essential attire for when she suddenly plunges us into darkness so the people watching her can't see her any more. And do you know what... if they were, she's right. They wouldn't. But my point was really, that secretiveness has become a facet of that at times. It can make perplexing situations much more difficult to deal with :(
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Message 1834792 - Posted: 8 Dec 2016, 11:55:32 UTC - in response to Message 1834705.  

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense I just needed to "offload". And that is the most difficult part, being here on my own.
I think a glass or two of wine may well be in order.


Bernie, I encourage you to reach out for support in every way possible; counseling, support groups, family, friends... Getting old isn't for the faint of heart, but I think care-giving can sometimes be even harder. We're pulling for you!
“Upon opening the box, Schroedinger's raccoon will be observed in one of three possible states; alive, dead, or really, really pissed off.”
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