The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1827780 - Posted: 31 Oct 2016, 22:10:08 UTC

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
~Sue~

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Message 1829790 - Posted: 11 Nov 2016, 9:55:46 UTC

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".



On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water ....... under his wife's supervision.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1829896 - Posted: 11 Nov 2016, 20:35:00 UTC - in response to Message 1829790.  

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".



On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water ....... under his wife's supervision.


Good man!
~Sue~

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Message 1831524 - Posted: 20 Nov 2016, 1:54:29 UTC


The mind is a weird and mysterious place
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Message 1831526 - Posted: 20 Nov 2016, 2:11:37 UTC
Last modified: 20 Nov 2016, 2:12:31 UTC

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Message 1832042 - Posted: 23 Nov 2016, 17:49:46 UTC

https://youtu.be/XSYZhzhGpZU
Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1832749 - Posted: 27 Nov 2016, 0:31:18 UTC

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon-to-be-ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us with its jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my husband’s knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was incredible. His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now.
~Sue~

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Message 1833230 - Posted: 29 Nov 2016, 22:58:01 UTC
Last modified: 29 Nov 2016, 22:58:17 UTC

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to
see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him
from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the
stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
~Sue~

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Message 1833545 - Posted: 1 Dec 2016, 21:20:18 UTC

America & Britain are in competition with each to see who can mess up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a trump card.
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Message 1833815 - Posted: 3 Dec 2016, 9:04:27 UTC - in response to Message 1833545.  
Last modified: 3 Dec 2016, 9:06:00 UTC

America & Britain are in competition with each to see who can mess up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a trump card.


As an American:


(Don't worry, Sirius B. I did think it was funny.)
~Sue~

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Message 1833884 - Posted: 3 Dec 2016, 17:12:05 UTC - in response to Message 1833815.  

America & Britain are in competition with each to see who can mess up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a trump card.


As an American:


(Don't worry, Sirius B. I did think it was funny.)


LOL
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Message 1834089 - Posted: 4 Dec 2016, 18:50:18 UTC

A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year."
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Message 1834243 - Posted: 5 Dec 2016, 7:47:00 UTC - in response to Message 1834089.  

A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year."


This must be a soccer/football joke.
~Sue~

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Message 1834668 - Posted: 7 Dec 2016, 19:13:02 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1835040 - Posted: 9 Dec 2016, 20:19:33 UTC
Last modified: 9 Dec 2016, 20:19:49 UTC

Finding a seat in Heaven​

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
~Sue~

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Message 1835057 - Posted: 9 Dec 2016, 21:47:57 UTC

LOL

Like it.


With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.
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Message 1835159 - Posted: 10 Dec 2016, 11:01:15 UTC

The Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
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Message 1835231 - Posted: 10 Dec 2016, 17:25:00 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1835372 - Posted: 11 Dec 2016, 14:49:24 UTC
Last modified: 11 Dec 2016, 14:50:25 UTC

The "Optimist" and the "Pessimist." Re-visited... :)

You've all heard THIS one, time and again, right? The optimist says that "the glass is half full," while the pessimist insists "the glass is half empty. :)

But, have you ever asked an ENGINEER this question? No?

A REAL engineer would say "The glass is neither half full NOR half empty. But, it is TWICE as big as it needs to be." :)
River Song (aka Linda Latte on planet Earth)
"Happy I-Phone girl on the GO GO GO"
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Message 1835598 - Posted: 12 Dec 2016, 17:09:48 UTC - in response to Message 1835372.  

The "Optimist" and the "Pessimist." Re-visited... :)

You've all heard THIS one, time and again, right? The optimist says that "the glass is half full," while the pessimist insists "the glass is half empty. :)

But, have you ever asked an ENGINEER this question? No?

A REAL engineer would say "The glass is neither half full NOR half empty. But, it is TWICE as big as it needs to be." :)

I think that's the accountant. The engineer recognizes that current requirements are not maximum potential requirements.
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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