The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1802299 - Posted: 13 Jul 2016, 4:22:20 UTC

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called
and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the
good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she
informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she
thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could
be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant
businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle
the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
~Sue~

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Message 1803160 - Posted: 17 Jul 2016, 18:34:33 UTC

Geek Jokes

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Iron Man = FeMale.

It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs because they always take everything literally.

Knock knock! Who’s there? To. To who? You mean “to whom.”

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

And the bartender says “we don’t serve faster than light particles in here!” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Two Jawas walk under a bar.

What game does Boba Fett play with his Boba Pet? Boba Fetch.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and out of the house on the other side of the street. First, they see two people going into the house. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist says the measurement wasn’t accurate. The biologist says they have reproduced. The mathematician says that if exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty again.

What do you call the Nintendo Wii in France? A Nintendo Yes

If there were ever to be a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster.

There is a band called 1023MB, but they haven’t had any gigs yet.

What is Benoit B. Mandelbrot’s middle name? Benoit B. Mandelbrot

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
~Sue~

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Message 1803219 - Posted: 18 Jul 2016, 2:20:57 UTC

Ques.: What U.S. president has been the most internet-savvy?

Ans.: Abraham LinkedIn
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Message 1804036 - Posted: 22 Jul 2016, 0:30:57 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1804044 - Posted: 22 Jul 2016, 0:58:46 UTC - in response to Message 1803160.  
Last modified: 22 Jul 2016, 1:08:30 UTC

What is Benoit B. Mandelbrot’s middle name? Benoit B. Mandelbrot


Seen it before, but kudos on including this best-of the-best. Not just sublimely witty, but non-nerds just don't get it... it's a Definitive Geek Joke. :^)

My oldie but goodie favorite in the same category:

Why do nerds confuse Hallowe'en with Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
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Message 1806114 - Posted: 31 Jul 2016, 17:53:21 UTC

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum how it's done. (How many dead chickens have you
seen along the road?)
~Sue~

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Message 1806120 - Posted: 31 Jul 2016, 18:03:38 UTC

...more than dead possums!
Bob Smith
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Message 1806373 - Posted: 1 Aug 2016, 14:45:14 UTC - in response to Message 1806114.  

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum how it's done. (How many dead chickens have you
seen along the road?)

I see more raccoons and skunks than possums. Coming home last night, I got skunk odor twice in five minutes.
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1807067 - Posted: 4 Aug 2016, 17:36:20 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1807075 - Posted: 4 Aug 2016, 17:48:53 UTC

Thanks Suzie,
I think I'll pass on taking a lift on that one
Bob Smith
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Message 1815504 - Posted: 7 Sep 2016, 5:12:43 UTC - in response to Message 1803160.  

Yeah, I must be a nerd/geek. Strangely enough, I "got" all of those!

Geek Jokes

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Iron Man = FeMale.

It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs because they always take everything literally.

Knock knock! Who’s there? To. To who? You mean “to whom.”

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

And the bartender says “we don’t serve faster than light particles in here!” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Two Jawas walk under a bar.

What game does Boba Fett play with his Boba Pet? Boba Fetch.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and out of the house on the other side of the street. First, they see two people going into the house. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist says the measurement wasn’t accurate. The biologist says they have reproduced. The mathematician says that if exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty again.

What do you call the Nintendo Wii in France? A Nintendo Yes

If there were ever to be a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster.

There is a band called 1023MB, but they haven’t had any gigs yet.

What is Benoit B. Mandelbrot’s middle name? Benoit B. Mandelbrot

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

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Message 1815505 - Posted: 7 Sep 2016, 5:19:31 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1815550 - Posted: 7 Sep 2016, 13:39:54 UTC

A young man with his pants hanging half off his behind, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull******n' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....
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Message 1817274 - Posted: 15 Sep 2016, 6:03:39 UTC

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an

Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.


Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.


Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.


In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.


Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.


Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy Report card.....

That's in my desk drawer.

I love you.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1819312 - Posted: 24 Sep 2016, 6:41:22 UTC

God and Grass

Thought you gardeners would enjoy this conversation between God and St. Francis. It is hilarious because it is so true.

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1820539 - Posted: 29 Sep 2016, 14:36:44 UTC

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Message 1823398 - Posted: 10 Oct 2016, 20:25:09 UTC

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."
~Sue~

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Message 1825461 - Posted: 19 Oct 2016, 20:26:44 UTC

Many will have, or have used some of these tools...

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, #$%*!"

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

"Son of a #$%*!!!" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a #$%*!!!" at the top of your lungs…..It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Bob Smith
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Message 1825633 - Posted: 20 Oct 2016, 13:52:36 UTC

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Message 1826285 - Posted: 23 Oct 2016, 11:37:51 UTC

A man didn't like travelling and just wanted to stay at home, so he took up stamp collecting....














After all, Philately will get you nowhere.
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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