The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1780281 - Posted: 19 Apr 2016, 5:35:21 UTC

It was new for me. Cute!
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Message 1780408 - Posted: 19 Apr 2016, 14:11:51 UTC - in response to Message 1780247.  

Sue, oh, oh, oh......


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Message 1781187 - Posted: 22 Apr 2016, 5:43:32 UTC

Bit of an old one but still good....

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the bloody R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ....



CELEBRATE!"
.


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Message 1782280 - Posted: 25 Apr 2016, 6:08:38 UTC

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but, whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
.


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Message 1783590 - Posted: 29 Apr 2016, 22:05:31 UTC

From the May American Legion Magazine. I tried to make them a little larger this time.












~Sue~

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Message 1783592 - Posted: 29 Apr 2016, 22:22:20 UTC
Last modified: 29 Apr 2016, 22:23:39 UTC

Many years ago, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe), "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."
~Sue~

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Message 1786067 - Posted: 9 May 2016, 6:56:56 UTC

Logic from an uncluttered Mind


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that my daughter does something wrong and makes me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
.


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Message 1786682 - Posted: 11 May 2016, 13:31:09 UTC

Just deleted my facebook account. Biggest joke one can imagine.
rOZZ
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Message 1786698 - Posted: 11 May 2016, 14:02:32 UTC - in response to Message 1786682.  

Just deleted my facebook account. Biggest joke one can imagine.


Facebook never forgets.


With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.
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Message 1786728 - Posted: 11 May 2016, 15:02:10 UTC - in response to Message 1786698.  
Last modified: 11 May 2016, 15:05:06 UTC

Just deleted my facebook account. Biggest joke one can imagine.


Facebook never forgets.


I forgot all about facebook already. It's for people with very low intelligence and it frustrated me quite a lot.
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Message 1787561 - Posted: 14 May 2016, 21:07:59 UTC

A 90 year old man finally gets to see a doctor, the doctor asks him to explain the problem.

The man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive.

The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man just how old he is.
The man answers that he is 90.

The doctor, still a little confused says, “You are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered?”

“Yes,” said the man. “It's all in my head, and I want you to lower it.”
~Sue~

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Message 1788516 - Posted: 18 May 2016, 19:17:14 UTC
Last modified: 18 May 2016, 19:17:45 UTC

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing
the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied
with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old
man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his
hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said,
"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
~Sue~

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Message 1791182 - Posted: 28 May 2016, 5:52:11 UTC

I rear-ended a car this morning; the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
.


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Message 1791231 - Posted: 28 May 2016, 10:08:37 UTC - in response to Message 1512480.  

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Message 1793203 - Posted: 3 Jun 2016, 20:11:34 UTC

From the June 2016 American Legion Magazine.










~Sue~

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Message 1793207 - Posted: 3 Jun 2016, 20:32:37 UTC

It just all depends on how you look at some things.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was
doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator
Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and
train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common
ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana
territory:



On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this
inscription: Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885,
escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their
great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical
sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire
grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings
with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his
life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with
the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an
important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed."

Now that's how it's done, Folks!
That's real political spin.
~Sue~

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Message 1794222 - Posted: 7 Jun 2016, 10:04:39 UTC - in response to Message 1793203.  

From the June 2016 American Legion Magazine.












LOL!! I like the ukelele joke :)))
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Message 1794264 - Posted: 7 Jun 2016, 14:45:44 UTC
Last modified: 7 Jun 2016, 14:54:35 UTC

(Warning: NSFW language in a large font if clicked!)

(2016 June 7) Today's joke is the User of the Day on the main page, bottom-left. As well, click his profile (if no one's around) and check his team name. Interesting random pick...

It may not last, so if it's someone nondescript now, it's been changed. :^)
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Message 1795959 - Posted: 13 Jun 2016, 21:07:39 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1800207 - Posted: 2 Jul 2016, 23:02:46 UTC

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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