The joke thread Part 4.

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1758966 - Posted: 24 Jan 2016, 8:11:34 UTC

Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1759901 - Posted: 28 Jan 2016, 5:10:08 UTC

A ROLL MODEL FOR MILLIONS
-----------------------------------------
A spokesperson advised today that the Pillsbury Dough Boy has died due to repeated pokes to the belly.

He was 71. Dough Boy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy describing Dough Boy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded." The Dough Boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still even as a crusty old man he was a roll model for millions.

Dough Boy was survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Dough Boy will be missed by many who loved to poke fun at him.

As the service for one ended, SARA LEE, PUFF daddy, and meatLOAF, on a remote link from PEPPERIDGE FARM, sang a MEDLEY of memorial songs, including 'DOUGH, RAISE me', "PUFF the magic dragon", and "LEAVENING on a jet plane". Dough Boys longtime friend and stunt double, known to be full of hot air, sang a real tearjerker of an inspirational song, 'BLOWIN' in the wind".
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Message 1760861 - Posted: 30 Jan 2016, 20:53:07 UTC

Family vibes, please

OK. For this to make any sense I need to give you folks some back-story:

My cousin Stephen is twelve years younger than me. Stephen's mom died of a brain aneurysm when he was three. This left my uncle Geoff to raise a child all on his own. This was something he absolutely was not prepared for. Geoff wasn't really cut out to be a single parent and as a result he and Stephen butted heads. A lot. So much so, in fact, that when Stephen turned 18 he just bolted. I mean it was like he fell off the face of the earth for several years. Uncle Geoff came home one day and Jeff's room was empty. All of his personal belongings were gone. Vanished. Kaput. Nobody knew where he was. All he left behind was a simple note that said "I'm leaving. Goodbye." True to character, my Uncle Geoff just blew it off to Stephen being immature. No effort was made to find him or anything. Everybody just assumed (hopefully, that is) that Stephen was just wandering around the country somewhere.

When Stephen left I think that it slowly began to sink into my uncle's brain that maybe, just maybe, he'd been a bad parent and so he started getting his life in order. He quit drinking, started going to a therapist, started attending church and over a period of six or seven years he eventually became the person that I think he probably would have been all along had his wife not died.

OK. With that said, here's the issue:

About five years ago Geoff met a woman named Carrie. They seemed to almost immediately fall in love with one another and wound up getting married about a year or so after they started dating. In all honesty I have to admit that I never really took very kindly to her. There was something about her that I just couldn't seem to trust. Carrie was, shall we say, substantially younger than my uncle who, coincidentally enough, also just so happened to be very, very well off financially. In the end, though, I decided that it really wasn't any of my business. If she was making him happy then who was I to judge either of them?

Fast forward with me to about six weeks ago. It's now been about thirteen years since Stephen took off when he decides, out of nowhere, to call my uncle. The two talked on the phone for an hour or more and agreed to meet up. After some heartfelt apologies and manly tears they hugged it all out and Geoff agreed to let Stephen move back in with him and Carrie until he can get himself squared away. Good for them, right?

Nah.

Geoff stopped by my house about a week or so ago to borrow some tools. While he was here he mentioned to me that Carrie had started acting more than a bit weird lately. He called me one afternoon (this was probably a month or so ago) and told me that he felt like something was up but that he really wanted to push through it and make things work. Again, though, this was really none of my business. Who was I to judge?

OK. With that said let's skip to yesterday. Geoff called me and he was about as distraught as I think I've ever heard him and so of course I ask him what happened. Five or so uncomfortable minutes of crying and sobbing later he eventually explained to me that Carrie had been having an affair.

With Stephen.

I, of course, was rendered totally speechless here. I had absolutely no idea what else to say, so I ask him how he found out. Through his tears he said "Thursday was her birthday and I left work early to surprise her. That was when i walked in the house and saw CARRIE ON MY WAYWARD SONNNNNNNNNNNN!"

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Message 1760903 - Posted: 30 Jan 2016, 23:18:30 UTC - in response to Message 1760861.  
Last modified: 30 Jan 2016, 23:31:23 UTC

Family vibes, please

OK. For this to make any sense I need to give you folks some back-story:

























"Thursday was her birthday and I left work early to surprise her. That was when i walked in the house and saw CARRIE ON MY WAYWARD SONNNNNNNNNNNN!"

That was an awful lot of setup for the payoff.
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1760905 - Posted: 30 Jan 2016, 23:22:34 UTC

Could it be said that that story was a shaggy son joke?
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message 1761261 - Posted: 1 Feb 2016, 8:05:39 UTC



Member of the People Encouraging Niceness In Society club.

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Message 1761262 - Posted: 1 Feb 2016, 8:09:38 UTC

ROFLMAO :)


With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.
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Message 1761411 - Posted: 1 Feb 2016, 22:15:29 UTC

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
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Message 1761422 - Posted: 1 Feb 2016, 22:50:01 UTC

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Message 1761511 - Posted: 2 Feb 2016, 6:02:41 UTC - in response to Message 1761422.  

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Message 1762580 - Posted: 5 Feb 2016, 18:31:22 UTC

When anybody is murdered........
The cops usually interview the spouse before anybody else.


And that really tells you all I need to know about being married.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1763947 - Posted: 10 Feb 2016, 21:21:52 UTC

Isn't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom... until you see them in your rear view mirror.
David
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Message 1764254 - Posted: 12 Feb 2016, 6:52:54 UTC

This might be already, but...

Why couldn't the blond get pregnant?
Her boyfriend was blond too.
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Message 1765043 - Posted: 15 Feb 2016, 0:26:04 UTC

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from the North. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from the West. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from the Kentucky. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1765049 - Posted: 15 Feb 2016, 1:18:47 UTC
Last modified: 15 Feb 2016, 1:43:59 UTC

Ah hahahahahaaaa!

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician decide to go creature hunting together. The biologist yelled "There's one!" and shot at it but missed it by ten feet to the right. The chemist shot at it but missed by ten feet to the left. The statistician yelled "We got it!"
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Message 1765891 - Posted: 18 Feb 2016, 1:42:40 UTC

Putting this here rather than go looking for the possibly moribund Pun thread.



David
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Message 1770221 - Posted: 7 Mar 2016, 10:20:34 UTC



Member of the People Encouraging Niceness In Society club.

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Message 1770263 - Posted: 7 Mar 2016, 17:20:35 UTC

These really work!! ! checked this out on Ask Jeeves and they do ...


Amazing, simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a Lode Lane spanner*, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.

Some additional advice:
Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and sleeping pills on the same night



* For the un-educated a "Lode Lane spanner" is also known as a "Brum Spanner"...
Bob Smith
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Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1770336 - Posted: 8 Mar 2016, 0:46:55 UTC

I just saw this UFO prank. Had to share.
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Message 1770340 - Posted: 8 Mar 2016, 1:33:50 UTC - in response to Message 1770336.  
Last modified: 8 Mar 2016, 1:35:09 UTC

I just saw this UFO prank. Had to share.


Unfortunately getting:

This video does not exist.
Sorry about that.


:^(
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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