A little bit of Aussie culcha:


LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK:What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

Yes! :-D

Someone finally understands us! :-O

Cheers.

I have my fry ends in the Land Rover World to fanck for my head you kaytion

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

---

~Sue~

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls
him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The
cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

---

~Sue~

Some quotes from the late, great Tommy cooper;

Whisky
1 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

Fortune Teller
2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

Doctor
3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'

Alarm clock
4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'

Soup
5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'

Doctor (2)
6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!


Dreams
7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

Driver
8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'

Gambling
9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

---

~Sue~

Donald Trump

---

~Sue~

Donald Trump

That's not funny, it's scary.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

Donald Trump

That's not funny, it's scary.

But it's funny-scary.

---

~Sue~

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto
the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this
new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my
right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you
fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the
biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step
he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I
can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt,
shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your
cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure
he knows I'm a bull."

---

~Sue~

From the back page of a recent American Legion magazine. I hope
you can see them.

---

~Sue~

Little Billy's Math Homework

“Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a b**ch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a b**ch is nine.’ In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. ‘Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?’ Little Billy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mom.’ She said, ‘And is that what your teacher taught you?’ He replied, ‘Yes.’”

“The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy’s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his math teacher, ‘I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?’”

“The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition problems.’ Billy’s mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**ch is four?’ When the teacher stopped laughing she replied…”

“‘Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.’”

---

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which was worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.

---

~Sue~

How many Seti Moderators does it take to tilt a ship to Starboard?

None - they all lean to the left.

How can yu tell the difference between a joke & Sarcasm?

Read the above :-)

And from Susie Q earlier....

Suzie-Q spells her name with a Z. The hyphen is optional.

---

~Sue~

And from Susie Q earlier....

Suzie-Q spells her name with a Z. The hyphen is optional.

There are several Sus/zie Qs. Another one is currently running the TLP thread at Beta.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

Have to give you that :-) Did raise a few chuckles I have to admit.

And from Susie Q earlier....

Suzie-Q spells her name with a Z. The hyphen is optional.

There are several Sus/zie Qs. Another one is currently running the TLP thread at Beta.

I don't care. I'm the only one who matters.

And I'm the one to whom he was referring.

---

~Sue~

And from Susie Q earlier....

Suzie-Q spells her name with a Z. The hyphen is optional.

There are several Sus/zie Qs. Another one is currently running the TLP thread at Beta.

I don't care. I'm the only one who matters.

And I'm the one to whom he was referring.

And you're the only one who's active in this forum. And you're the only one who's my Facebook friend.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.