There was another one I ran across this weekend, I cannot find it again right now.
I think it was titled 50 maids of May.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Thank you Suzie, I needed a good laugh at the end of this day.

---

Pluto will always be a planet to me.

Seti Ambassador
Not to late to order an Anni Shirt

You're a killer Suzie. ;-)

Cheers.

I wish I could take credit. I only copy and paste. I'm
not quite talented enough to write something like that
myself.

Glad you enjoyed it.

---

~Sue~

Still appreciated. That was spot on and very funny.

---

Dave
Funny joker

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren












and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".


Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...


In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.


Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!



Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!


She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!


Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.


She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!


Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!


Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Nice! Welcome to the project Dave!

---

rOZZ
Music
Pictures

Thanks Julie, nice to be here.

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to
rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed
if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
Stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
Going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
While he was licking his arse!"

---

~Sue~

An Australian blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local shops were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "No haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre crocodile swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the crocodile onto its back, and screaming in great frustration she shouts out...
"B*******, this ones got no shoes on either

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

How the Internet Started (according to scripture)...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. And I know you believe it because everything ever written on the internet has always been the truth.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

How the Internet Started (according to scripture)...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. And I know you believe it because everything ever written on the internet has always been the truth.

Happy and lucky listers everywhere love using Joshua's animal horn (HALLELUJAH)!

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.

Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless".

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience?

Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you.

All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though.

Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese:

"Good evening," the maître d' said. "Table for four?"

"Yes, Thank you."

"Smoking or non smoking?"

"Non smoking."

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

"I guess indoors would be good."

"Very well, sir," he said.
"Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."

"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?"

"Whatever you recommend," I said.

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains. I couldn't tell which, because it was dark outside.

Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than any of us, presented himself at our table...

"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening.

Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato."

"Soup, or salad?"

"Salad."

"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp."

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

I didn't want to make another decision... "Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch."

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?"

"Yeah."

I was curt. I was done with civility.

"And for your baked potato?"

I knew what was coming!

I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it."

"No butter? No sour cream?"

"No."

"No chives? No bacon chips ? "

"No! Don't you understand English?" "I don't want anything on it.

Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."

"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"

"Whatever."

"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you."

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sautéed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?"

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"

"I prefer right here."

Then I punched him:

He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection.

I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever I
wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water."

"Yes, sir, right away," he said.

"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime?"......................................!!!!!!!!

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

I only patronise McDonalds if I'm desparate for a toilet. Mind you they are better than Nandos.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES consider that:

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Get the Correct Insurance (UK viewers my know these companies well)

Just Like You Can Get Insurance For Cars, Property, Sports etc.,

You Can Now Get Insurance For Sex !!

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

To assist, please find a list of companies catering for most tastes :-

a). Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

b). Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

c). Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

d). Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

e). Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

f). Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

g). Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

h). Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.

i). Sex with an OAP - Saga.

j). Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

. . . . . . . . . finally

k). Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

ROFLMAO.

There's at least one more.....
Drinking cider with Rosie - NFU Mutual

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?