Funny Answering Machine Messages

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Terror Australis
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Message 1267173 - Posted: 3 Aug 2012, 18:34:41 UTC

The comedy answering machine message has become an artform in itself. Here are 2 of my favourites. What are yours ?

1) (in an operator type voice) "The number you have dialed is unreal, please rotate your phone ninety degrees and try again".

2) "Sorry I can't take your call right now, However, this is an answering machine, this is the 21st century, you should know what to do"

or the shortened form,

"You know who it is, you know what to do".

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Profile Chris S
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Message 1267186 - Posted: 3 Aug 2012, 18:54:09 UTC

Hi, you have reached the Vatican, this is his Holiness the Pope speaking.

If you have already transgressed please press 1
If you are about to transgress please press 2
If you are not sure whether you should, please press 3
For all other enquiries please press 4,

We are experiencing a considerable demand for our services at the moment, and you have been placed in a queue. Please hold and you will be connected to the first available Bishop. Otherwise you may wish to call later when we are less busy.

Have a nice day.

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Sirius BProject Donor
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Message 1267187 - Posted: 3 Aug 2012, 18:54:49 UTC
Last modified: 3 Aug 2012, 18:55:07 UTC

New style auto-menu & totally politically incorrect.

Please press 1 if you can speak English

Please press 2 if you cannot

"Thank you for pressing 2: Please come back when you can"
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Profile Bill Walker

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Message 1267189 - Posted: 3 Aug 2012, 18:57:24 UTC - in response to Message 1267173.  
Last modified: 3 Aug 2012, 18:57:42 UTC

A good one, many years ago, from a co-worker. A TV set is playing loudly in the background, and the message starts:

long pause
long pause
"hang on a minute"
sound of someone walking away, TV being turned down, someone walking back to the phone
long pause
"Oh, by the way, this is a recording..."

Yes, he got me.

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John McLeod VII
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Message 1267331 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 1:17:31 UTC

This is the electronic butler.

or just


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Message 1267348 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 2:21:46 UTC

For those that remember `Mork and Mindy`
Mork used to `phone home` telepathicaly at the end of each show.
And on one of them he got the other persons answerphone.
"I am sorry but i am out of my mind at the moment please call back later"
you get the idea :¬)
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Message 1267408 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 5:39:49 UTC

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Profile Angela
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Message 1267412 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 5:44:33 UTC
Last modified: 4 Aug 2012, 5:45:32 UTC

Dave 2, you really need to use that first one!!!
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Profile Donald L. Johnson

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Message 1267438 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 7:29:21 UTC

Hi! You've reached the Johnson residence. Due to all the fund-raising politicians, telemarketers with auto-dialers, and morons who can't correctly dial the local pizza place, we're sending all our calls to the answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you as soon as we get around to it.
Infernal Optimist / Submariner, retired
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Profile The Simonator

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Message 1267664 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 20:05:29 UTC

My answer phone already has HAL on it, using clips from the film. Probably breaks some copyright but i don't care.

It goes thusly:

Take a message please HAL
I'm sorry Dave, i'm afraid i can't do that
We've been over this before, my name's Simon. Now what's the problem?
I think you know what the problem is just as well as i do.
HAL, i won't ask again, take a message!
This conversation can serve no purpose any more.
Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.
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Profile Gary Charpentier
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Message 1267749 - Posted: 4 Aug 2012, 23:56:48 UTC

Do not hang up.
Telemarketing Captcha must be solved to reach a human.
You have three tries or you will be 976 billed $1000.

To solve in Russian press 1
To solve in Greek press 2
To solve in Latin press 3
To solve in Aramaic press 4
To solve in Tagalog press 5
To solve in Pashto press 6
To solve in Hebrew press 7
To solve in Mandarin press 8
To solve in Spanglish press 9
To solve in French press 0
To repeat this menu press *
To accept 976 charge press # or hang up

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Message 1267771 - Posted: 5 Aug 2012, 1:32:39 UTC
Last modified: 5 Aug 2012, 1:52:45 UTC

A local schools answering machine...

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, press 2

To complain about what we do, press 3

To swear at staff members, press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press 5

If you want us to raise your child, press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8

To complain about bus transportation, press 9

To complain about school lunches, press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort . . .hang up and have a nice day!

Remember...Always look on the bright side of life.....
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Profile Chris S
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Message 1268037 - Posted: 5 Aug 2012, 17:56:01 UTC

Mr Gnu - absolutely brilliant, and so true as well - well done!!

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Profile Julie
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Message 1268051 - Posted: 5 Aug 2012, 18:25:05 UTC

Hi! Julie's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message on myself with one of these magnets.
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Profile Chris S
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Message 1268087 - Posted: 5 Aug 2012, 20:03:36 UTC

Hi, this is Chris S's microwave. He has gone out to find himself, if he returns before he gets back, I will ask him to wait. In the meantime have a nice day.

Oh and sorry, you can't leave a message, my pinger is broken ..... beeeeep.

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : Funny Answering Machine Messages

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