Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to
pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, "Put the f**king beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered!"

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I Refuse to hold myself responsible for any of my actions.

si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes

Free Milk!!!!
##############

Two backpackers “doing Europe” short on cash decide to save money in Rome and camp in a small “park” overnight.

Early Morning arrives, and both awake to the sound of the milk being delivered to a house at the end of the park and, being cheap, 1st backpacker decides to steal a pint of milk for their breakfast, whilst his brave companion watches from the tent..

The backpacker reaches the door, bends over and picks up the milk when suddenly the door opens and the Pope is standing in the doorway….All the 2nd backpacker sees from his tent is the Pope make the sign of the cross by raising then lowering his hand, then moving it from side to side…At which point the 1st backpacker quickly kneels bows his head, replaces the milk and comes running back to the tent looking rather perplexed ...

2nd backpacker: “What did the Pope say… did he bless you?”
1st Backpacker “Well, he opened the door, saw what I was doing and pointed at me and said ‘Oi! you! Put my milk down’ he then pointed at the tent ‘get you stuff and get the hell out of my garden!!!!’

##########
I think this works better when you can actually do the sign motion as you tell it….

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A little boy is bought a Fantastic cowboy outfit
complete with a couple of toy guns for his birthday.
He's so excited he immediately puts it on and goes outside to play.

While outside he hears the ice-cream van pulling into the road.
The boy runs up to the van.."Can i have a 99 with lots of Raspberry sauce, please?" he says to the woman at the window.

"Would you like crushed nuts?" she asks him.

The boy quickly draws his guns, points them straight at the woman and shouts:

"AND WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR TITS BLOWN OFF"!

Farting Elves: 12 Days of Christmas

A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good
point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working just fine."


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi... Is this the internet?"


Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to
"The Internet."


Customer: "So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh...yeah."


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed
the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: Click on "File", then "New Game".
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech support: How may I help you.
Customer:My computer won't work
Teh support: Can you discribe the problem in detail?
Customer: I was putting a new game in and followed the prompts but I think my keyboard is out of date or incompatable.
Tech support: Whys that?
customer: My board dosen't have an "any key"!

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I Refuse to hold myself responsible for any of my actions.

si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes

Not sure, but most likely from MacWorld Secrets 3rd Ed.
I recall a tech call regarding a customer whose copy of I-don't-remember wasn't working properly, so the tecchie asked that the customer send him a copy of the disk in question. About a week letter he gets two photocopies of the disk, one front and one back ("It was double sided").

From "The Mac Bathroom Reader", p. 184
"We had just recently installed a network of ten Macs in a national magazine's editorial department when one day we received a frantic call from the editor who breathlessly announced 'I have a bomb on the screen. I've asked everybody to leave the room. What do I need to do next?'"

WEIRD! View 99 unusual photos capturing a variety of strange news. New photos are added frequently!

> <a> href="http://www.boomchicago.nl/images/Voting_Machine.wmv">ROTFLMGDMFAO![/url]
>
I laughed so hard coffe came out of my nose!

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I Refuse to hold myself responsible for any of my actions.

si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes

> I laughed so hard coffe came out of my nose!
>
I think they have coffee-proof nose plugs for sale in the coffee thread.

Watch me! Guido's blind date...love is in the air.

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Account frozen...

> > Watch
> me!
> > Guido's blind date...love is in the air.
> >
> Good Gawd!!! LMFAO :)
> Love isn't the only thing in the air !
> Anybody got a can of air freshener?
>
She's got an entire forest of pine trees hanging from her rearview mirror.

A hard intense day at work.

Note: Its a story. Its not me!!

Active desktop

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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