The joke thread Part 3.


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msattler
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Message 1208739 - Posted: 22 Mar 2012, 6:24:00 UTC

So, dad...
How do you like the new iPad we bought you?
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Message 1209326 - Posted: 23 Mar 2012, 17:53:39 UTC

Q. What are the children of a Scientist called Pip known as?

A. Pipettes

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Message 1209428 - Posted: 23 Mar 2012, 23:00:54 UTC

Q: Why are helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
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msattler
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Message 1210222 - Posted: 26 Mar 2012, 5:04:18 UTC

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Crunching Seti, loving all of God's kitties.

I have met a few friends in my life.
Most were cats.

msattler
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Message 1210896 - Posted: 28 Mar 2012, 6:02:53 UTC

Polish Divorce...

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
And asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland ...

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:


~~~Polish Remover ~~~


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Message 1210948 - Posted: 28 Mar 2012, 9:00:29 UTC

My dustbin is full up with toadstools

How d'ya know it's full?

Cos there's not mushroom inside!!

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Message 1210949 - Posted: 28 Mar 2012, 9:07:49 UTC - in response to Message 1210948.
Last modified: 28 Mar 2012, 9:10:35 UTC

My dustbin is full up with toadstools

How d'ya know it's full?

Cos there's not mushroom inside!!

My dustbin's absolutely full of Lillies

Well throw them away then

I can't. Lilly's wearing them

Ohhh my old man's a dustman.......:-)

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Message 1210977 - Posted: 28 Mar 2012, 11:29:59 UTC

I say, I say, I say,

(not you again)

I found a police dog in my dustbin

How do you know he's a police dog?

He had a policeman with him!

(boom boom exit stage right ....)
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Message 1211634 - Posted: 29 Mar 2012, 18:58:52 UTC

While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out.

She landed in a heap at her husband's feet. He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."






A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."





A man takes a pair of underwear out of his dresser, and is surprised to see a "cloud" of dust appear. As he shakes out his underwear, he calls to his wife, "Honey, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

The wife replies, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow."





Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin, the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does).

Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again, he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod, he begged to be changed back…

Lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy, to become a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out see me again."

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."






Scientists have just unearthed a human jaw bone that is said to be over 2 million years old.

They said it belonged to a woman....

Because it’s still moving…


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Remember...Always look on the bright side of life.

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Message 1211636 - Posted: 29 Mar 2012, 19:00:32 UTC

I would like to be two with the universe.
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Message 1211637 - Posted: 29 Mar 2012, 19:03:25 UTC

Mr Gnu, you're a very naughty man!

(hehehe)


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msattler
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Message 1215737 - Posted: 8 Apr 2012, 18:44:09 UTC
Last modified: 8 Apr 2012, 18:46:45 UTC

As welcome as.....LOL

This brought freakin' tears to my eyes...ROFLMAO is most apt.
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Message 1215750 - Posted: 8 Apr 2012, 18:58:18 UTC

The newest member of "No frills Airlines"........








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Message 1220106 - Posted: 19 Apr 2012, 0:36:30 UTC

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man standing on the ledge of a tall building.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he does."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.

The blonde was shaking her head and very upset. But she handed her $20 to Bob saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I'm sorry, but I can't take your money. I saw this guy jump earlier on the five o'clock news."

The blonde replied, "So did I, but didn't think he'd do it again!"

Bob took the money.
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Message 1220245 - Posted: 19 Apr 2012, 11:52:08 UTC

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
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Message 1221167 - Posted: 21 Apr 2012, 10:05:41 UTC

The "Real" Secret Service

Secret "Service"
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Message 1221170 - Posted: 21 Apr 2012, 10:11:12 UTC

US President doesn't know where all his bases are or where for that matter....

Presidential Gaffe
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Message 1221174 - Posted: 21 Apr 2012, 10:30:51 UTC - in response to Message 1221167.

The "Real" Secret Service

Secret "Service"

I wounder if they paid for this out of the "Entertainments Budget"?...that's
how we do it in the UK...'int-it.



____________
The Kite Fliers

--------------------
Kite fliers: An imaginary club of solo members, those who don't yet
belong to a formal team so "fly their own kites" - as the saying goes.

msattler
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Message 1221193 - Posted: 21 Apr 2012, 12:26:00 UTC


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Crunching Seti, loving all of God's kitties.

I have met a few friends in my life.
Most were cats.

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Message 1223294 - Posted: 25 Apr 2012, 21:53:45 UTC

"No frills" airways in the news again.....

Kulula giving away a free ticket
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