The joke thread Part 3.


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Profile Blurf
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Message 1147758 - Posted: 1 Sep 2011, 0:59:03 UTC

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep", the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."
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Profile Michael Belanger
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Message 1148900 - Posted: 4 Sep 2011, 15:23:51 UTC

Some "geeky" ones (you guys - and gals - have probably heard most if not all of them, but I'll post 'em anyhow) (they're also [obviously] not mine - I copied them from another site):

The developer is the only living organism which can turn coffee into code.

I would love to change the world,but they won’t give me the source code.

Failure is not an option – it comes bundled with your Microsoft product.

Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.

If at first u don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.

Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you.

Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.

I survived an NT installation.
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Profile Chris S
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Message 1148911 - Posted: 4 Sep 2011, 16:18:05 UTC

Too much of that is really true .... :-)
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msattler
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Message 1150731 - Posted: 10 Sep 2011, 5:53:17 UTC
Last modified: 10 Sep 2011, 5:59:04 UTC

I dunno......some folks do not respond to my sense of humour.......
But I shall try again.

LOL...I had this on a 45 as a kid.......
This is the first time I found a vid of it.
Johnny Standley discussing 'Little Bo Peep' as a grandstanding preacher.
It's In The Book....

'Wagging their tails.......Lord, pray tell, what else COULD they wag????????'

'Behind them.......behind them!! Did we think they'd be wagging them in FRONT?????? Of course, they might have come home in reverse. I really don't know.'
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AndyJ
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Message 1152851 - Posted: 16 Sep 2011, 18:06:17 UTC - in response to Message 1150731.

I dunno......some folks do not respond to my sense of humour.......

British ancestry?

; )

Regards,
Andy.
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Message 1154661 - Posted: 21 Sep 2011, 21:32:43 UTC

What do you call a wookie that works with clay?

Hairy Potter.
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Message 1156515 - Posted: 27 Sep 2011, 3:24:11 UTC

Man walks into a bar with a dog.
Barkeep insists that there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
"Evan a talking dog?"
"Well, OK, if he can talk, but you have to prove it."
"What is on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark, Bark"
"What is on top of a house?"
"Roof, Roof"
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth, Ruth"

At this point the barkeep and the bouncer throw them out through the front door.

As they walk around the corner, the dog looks up at his owner and says "Dimagio?"
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msattler
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Message 1157090 - Posted: 29 Sep 2011, 15:00:37 UTC

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a
check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning
Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show
me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I
didn't think there would be any need to. Let me be clear, I
am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United
States of America!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the
latest Government regulations, and monitoring of the banks
because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on
seeing ID"

Obama: "Well, just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and
they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank
rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "Make no mistake, I am urging you please to cash this
check!"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day
Tiger Woods came into the bank without his ID. To prove that
he truly was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putting iron and
made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that
shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without his ID. He pulled
out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the
tennis ball actually landed in my coffee cup. With that
spectacular shot we knew that he was Andre Agassi and cashed
his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is truly
you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't
think of a single thing. My mind is a complete blank."

Cashier: "Would you like the cash in large or small bills,
Mr. President?"
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Profile Chris S
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Message 1157100 - Posted: 29 Sep 2011, 15:23:56 UTC

Paddy was the unluckiest Irishman ever. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, and 6-up and then stopped. And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard
A chocolate kettle
A self-righting aspirin
A solar-powered torch

msattler
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Message 1157104 - Posted: 29 Sep 2011, 15:37:46 UTC

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the men’s room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.
He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'


The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...
What about your son?'


The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
____________
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Embrace your inner kitty...ya know ya wanna!

I have met a few friends in my life.
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msattler
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Message 1159791 - Posted: 7 Oct 2011, 15:37:51 UTC
Last modified: 7 Oct 2011, 15:38:44 UTC

A Police STOP at 1 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a..m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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I have met a few friends in my life.
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Profile Michael Belanger
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Message 1162063 - Posted: 14 Oct 2011, 2:16:39 UTC


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Message 1162064 - Posted: 14 Oct 2011, 2:18:41 UTC


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Message 1162409 - Posted: 15 Oct 2011, 0:32:30 UTC

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon?

The food is great but, no atmosphere.
____________
The Universe is not only stranger than you imagine, it's stranger than you can imagine.

SETI@home classic workunits 1,405 CPU time 57,318 hours

Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1181038 - Posted: 28 Dec 2011, 0:16:57 UTC

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

____________
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

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Message 1197151 - Posted: 19 Feb 2012, 2:09:51 UTC

One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.

He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.

Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!"

"Yes," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."





Scientists have just unearthed a human jaw bone that is over 2 million years old.

They said it belonged to a woman and they can prove it because it's still moving...





I got really emotional at the gas station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up...





I love to pamper the wife after she's had a hard day at work.

I get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time it perfectly so the moment she sets foot inside the door all the dishes are piled up waiting for her...





A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the chemist and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the cashier tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

he then tells her: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."

At this the chemist said: "You'd better stay off your bicycle for at least a week."


____________

Remember...Always look on the bright side of life.

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Message 1197341 - Posted: 19 Feb 2012, 17:11:56 UTC

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them

At the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing

Their nude bodies to approaching drivers...


Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What
Is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here

By the road?!" asks the Officer...


"Oh, those are my flashers!" she replied.
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Message 1197351 - Posted: 19 Feb 2012, 17:26:53 UTC
Last modified: 19 Feb 2012, 17:27:20 UTC

how can you notice that a sweet cute blond has opened your frigo lately ?







easy







the cucumbers are standing up.
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Message 1197365 - Posted: 19 Feb 2012, 17:55:45 UTC

What a blonde will say when she is walking on the sideway and she will see a banana skin lying on the ground ?








dunno ?







oh noes! i will slip again... !
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Message 1199556 - Posted: 25 Feb 2012, 4:43:13 UTC

An arch bishop runs into the Pope's office and states that there is good news and bad news.

"Let's have the good news first then", says the Pope.

"The Messiah is back"

"What could be bad about that?"

"He came back in Salt Lake City."
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