The joke thread Part 3.


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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3.

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John McLeod VII
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Message 888403 - Posted: 26 Apr 2009, 4:05:00 UTC

A scottsman just back from a visit to London was talking to his buddies in a pub.

"The natives were not very friently. At 3:00 a.m. they were banging on the walls, the ceiling, and floor so hard that I could barely hear myself playing the bagpipes."
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Message 888431 - Posted: 26 Apr 2009, 8:50:51 UTC

Honest Bumper Stickers
-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

John McLeod VII
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Message 888758 - Posted: 27 Apr 2009, 13:09:00 UTC

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs
to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town... If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

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Profile [KWSN]John Galt 007
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Message 888768 - Posted: 27 Apr 2009, 13:48:21 UTC

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'


Just a joke, folks...
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Message 889041 - Posted: 28 Apr 2009, 3:26:08 UTC

"It has been said that politics is the second-oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

- Ronald Reagan
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Message 889043 - Posted: 28 Apr 2009, 3:29:17 UTC

Kid Logic:

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Message 889044 - Posted: 28 Apr 2009, 3:34:10 UTC
Last modified: 28 Apr 2009, 4:33:38 UTC

This week back in 1850 (158 years ago, for those mathmatically-challenged - like me):

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
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Message 889059 - Posted: 28 Apr 2009, 4:27:41 UTC

Humor for Lexophiles:

1. Police were called to a Day Care Center where a three-year old was resisting a rest.

2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

5. The proffessor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

6. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

7. A Will is a dead giveaway.

8. A backward poet writes inverse.

9. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

10. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

11. Bakers trade bread recipies on a knead to know basis.

12. Acupuncture: A jab well done.
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Message 889061 - Posted: 28 Apr 2009, 4:32:01 UTC
Last modified: 28 Apr 2009, 4:32:47 UTC

A little boy opened the family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in-between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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Message 889473 - Posted: 29 Apr 2009, 15:40:41 UTC

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

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BETTER THE WORLD ~ PAY IT FORWARD
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Message 889853 - Posted: 30 Apr 2009, 14:50:03 UTC

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.


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Message 890079 - Posted: 1 May 2009, 5:00:28 UTC
Last modified: 1 May 2009, 5:00:59 UTC

Hail Mary

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a lose girl"

The priest asks, "Is that you little Tommy Hebert?"

"Yes, Father, it is"

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father; I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy Hebert, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina LeBlanc?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Boudreaux?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Breault?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Robicheaux, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, Tommy Hebert, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Marcel slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months' vacation and five good leads."
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Message 890087 - Posted: 1 May 2009, 5:53:34 UTC
Last modified: 1 May 2009, 5:54:47 UTC

Comments Made in 1955; Only 54 Years Ago!

"I'll tell you one thing; if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before you can't get one for less than $2,000.00."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit; a quarter a pack is rediculous!"

"Did you hear that the Post Office is thinking about charging a nickel just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"Nylon in tires and overhead valve engines are what they're going to try next; when I started driving, who would have thought that gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it!"

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck haircuts make impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls!"

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'd**n' in 'Gone With the Wind', it seems every new movie has either 'h**l' or 'd**n' in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows called astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood."
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Message 890090 - Posted: 1 May 2009, 6:09:19 UTC


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Message 890126 - Posted: 1 May 2009, 10:47:02 UTC


Four elderly ranchers were discussing everything
from cattle, horses and weather to how things
used to be in the 'good ol' days'. Eventually
the conversation moved to their spouses.
One of them asked the other, "Roy, aren't you
and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding
anniversary soon"?

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to
celebrate?" one of the other men asked.
The old gentlemen pndered this for a moment,
then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took
Bea to Tuscon. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go back
down there and get her."

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Message 890145 - Posted: 1 May 2009, 12:38:55 UTC

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.

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Message 890552 - Posted: 2 May 2009, 14:31:48 UTC

Q: What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A: A milkshake!

Q: Why is a cat in the desert like Christmas?
A: Because of its sandy claws!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

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Message 890859 - Posted: 3 May 2009, 16:46:57 UTC

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

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Message 890860 - Posted: 3 May 2009, 16:47:56 UTC

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"

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Message 890888 - Posted: 3 May 2009, 17:49:17 UTC

A yuppie sitting in his BMW opened the car's door, when suddenly
another car came along and hits the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining
bitterly about the damage to his precious car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted
the officer. "You are so worried about your stupid BMW, that
you didn't even notice, that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "Where is my Rolex?!"

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