The joke thread Part 3.


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Profile The Simonator
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Message 1223719 - Posted: 26 Apr 2012, 22:13:04 UTC

Cracking ad!

Say what you like about Zuma, at least he's an improvement on Thabo 'i can cure AIDS with vitamin pills' Mbeki
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Homme petit d’homme petit, s’attend, n’avale
Homme petit d’homme petit, à degrés de bègues folles
Anal deux qui noeuds ours, anal deux qui noeuds s’y mènent
Coup d’un poux tome petit tout guetteur à gaine

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Message 1223726 - Posted: 26 Apr 2012, 22:15:59 UTC
Last modified: 26 Apr 2012, 22:26:19 UTC

Looks like there are more and more AIDs
resistant people being born. Way too
high a price to pay for that kind of evolution.

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Message 1224261 - Posted: 28 Apr 2012, 5:59:18 UTC

My mother-in-law sent me this joke. (Her birthday is not until December and she is nowhere near 95.) I hope this joke has not been posted here before. Please forgive me if it has.


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and CEO's. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together and they discussed the 95th birthday gifts they had been able to give their elderly mother.

The first brother said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second brother said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third brother said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth brother said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to his church, but it was worth it! Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After her birthday Mama sent out her "thank you" notes.

She wrote: "Dear Milton, The house you had built for me is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Dear Michael, You gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the thought anyway."

"Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to put a little thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much...

Love mama"

Profile Norman Copeland
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Message 1224634 - Posted: 28 Apr 2012, 23:37:11 UTC
Last modified: 29 Apr 2012, 0:07:42 UTC

English man scottishman and Irishman, English man says, where does man originate, Irishman says on land, Scottishman says no, in the water, the Englishman walks off and thinks about it, next day he says, thought about it, if mirrors weren't invented you wouldn't know.

Scottishman says, no, but, you would, the Irishman says, well lets see who could walk around the world quickest, the Englishman says, but, if you found a mirror would you go home and show everyone?

Profile The Simonator
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Message 1224861 - Posted: 29 Apr 2012, 11:50:18 UTC - in response to Message 1224634.

English man scottishman and Irishman, English man says, where does man originate, Irishman says on land, Scottishman says no, in the water, the Englishman walks off and thinks about it, next day he says, thought about it, if mirrors weren't invented you wouldn't know.

Scottishman says, no, but, you would, the Irishman says, well lets see who could walk around the world quickest, the Englishman says, but, if you found a mirror would you go home and show everyone?

Sounds like you've segued three different jokes there, and forgot the punchline.
____________
Homme petit d’homme petit, s’attend, n’avale
Homme petit d’homme petit, à degrés de bègues folles
Anal deux qui noeuds ours, anal deux qui noeuds s’y mènent
Coup d’un poux tome petit tout guetteur à gaine

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Message 1226727 - Posted: 3 May 2012, 16:47:41 UTC

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

Sirius B
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Message 1228440 - Posted: 6 May 2012, 21:05:18 UTC

Couple of good 'un's....

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

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Message 1228719 - Posted: 7 May 2012, 16:37:35 UTC

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


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Message 1228955 - Posted: 8 May 2012, 1:16:49 UTC

The mother-in-law told me that ever since I married her daughter she
never realise how much of a joke I was.
I told her that ever since I married her daughter I didn't realise how
much of a comedian I would make myself out to be.


____________
The Kite Fliers

--------------------
Kite fliers: An imaginary club of solo members, those who don't yet
belong to a formal team so "fly their own kites" - as the saying goes.

Sirius B
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Message 1240983 - Posted: 4 Jun 2012, 2:04:48 UTC

Clueless Users

Nos 3 & 7 are a scream... :)
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Message 1242550 - Posted: 7 Jun 2012, 0:36:38 UTC


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Profile Michael Belanger
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Message 1242554 - Posted: 7 Jun 2012, 0:39:51 UTC
Last modified: 7 Jun 2012, 0:40:17 UTC

True story:

I was at a local BK restaurant not long ago and had just placed my order; there was a teenager in line behind me with her boyfriend.
They both looked at the sign for their (BK's) version of the "1/4 lb'er" and she turned to her bf and literally asked, "what's a one slash four ell bee?"

I damned near died laughing, as did some of the other diners and the manager.
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Profile Michael Belanger
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Message 1243523 - Posted: 8 Jun 2012, 22:06:37 UTC

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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Message 1243611 - Posted: 9 Jun 2012, 2:24:04 UTC - in response to Message 1243549.

Excellent one, Michael! LOL.

I bet my neighbors heard me laughing!
____________
I has a MiniCity :)
http://en-ki-du.myminicity.com

Sirius B
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Message 1244203 - Posted: 10 Jun 2012, 0:52:42 UTC

A farmer and his new Bride,were riding home from the Chapel in a wagon,being pulled by a team of horses..

When the older horse stumbled,the farmer said " That`s Once".

A little further along the poor old horse,stumbled again,the farmer said "That`s Twice".

After a while,the poor old horse stumbled again.the farmer said Nothing. But reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse...

His New Bride was very upset,and complained all the way home, of what an awfull thing he had done...

When they reached the house the Farmer Said To His New Bride..."THAT`S ONCE"....

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER..
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Profile Michael Belanger
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Message 1247789 - Posted: 18 Jun 2012, 3:17:10 UTC

Something Bill might like:

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.


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