The joke thread Part 3.

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Message 1228719 - Posted: 7 May 2012, 16:37:35 UTC

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


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Message 1228955 - Posted: 8 May 2012, 1:16:49 UTC

The mother-in-law told me that ever since I married her daughter she
never realise how much of a joke I was.
I told her that ever since I married her daughter I didn't realise how
much of a comedian I would make myself out to be.


The Kite Fliers

--------------------
Kite fliers: An imaginary club of solo members, those who don't yet
belong to a formal team so "fly their own kites" - as the saying goes.
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Message 1240983 - Posted: 4 Jun 2012, 2:04:48 UTC

Clueless Users

Nos 3 & 7 are a scream... :)
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Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
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Message 1242550 - Posted: 7 Jun 2012, 0:36:38 UTC


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Message 1242554 - Posted: 7 Jun 2012, 0:39:51 UTC
Last modified: 7 Jun 2012, 0:40:17 UTC

True story:

I was at a local BK restaurant not long ago and had just placed my order; there was a teenager in line behind me with her boyfriend.
They both looked at the sign for their (BK's) version of the "1/4 lb'er" and she turned to her bf and literally asked, "what's a one slash four ell bee?"

I damned near died laughing, as did some of the other diners and the manager.
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Message 1243523 - Posted: 8 Jun 2012, 22:06:37 UTC

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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Message 1243549 - Posted: 9 Jun 2012, 0:00:39 UTC - in response to Message 1243523.  

Excellent one, Michael! LOL.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1243611 - Posted: 9 Jun 2012, 2:24:04 UTC - in response to Message 1243549.  

Excellent one, Michael! LOL.

I bet my neighbors heard me laughing!
I has a MiniCity :)
http://en-ki-du.myminicity.com
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Message 1244105 - Posted: 9 Jun 2012, 20:57:17 UTC

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1244108 - Posted: 9 Jun 2012, 21:00:36 UTC
Last modified: 9 Jun 2012, 21:02:15 UTC

OK, Redneck warning......
Scarecrow will appreciate this one.
Coming up.

Again.

You were warned.



Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?




Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,




a man's heart beats quicker,




his throat gets dry ,




he gets weak in the knees,




and he thinks irrationally ?




Ever wonder why?








It's because she smells

like a

N e w T r u c k
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1244203 - Posted: 10 Jun 2012, 0:52:42 UTC

A farmer and his new Bride,were riding home from the Chapel in a wagon,being pulled by a team of horses..

When the older horse stumbled,the farmer said " That`s Once".

A little further along the poor old horse,stumbled again,the farmer said "That`s Twice".

After a while,the poor old horse stumbled again.the farmer said Nothing. But reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse...

His New Bride was very upset,and complained all the way home, of what an awfull thing he had done...

When they reached the house the Farmer Said To His New Bride..."THAT`S ONCE"....

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER..
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Message 1247789 - Posted: 18 Jun 2012, 3:17:10 UTC

Something Bill might like:

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.


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Message 1247793 - Posted: 18 Jun 2012, 3:23:31 UTC

The New F-15 "Float Eagle":


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Message 1247802 - Posted: 18 Jun 2012, 3:35:43 UTC
Last modified: 18 Jun 2012, 3:52:30 UTC

Even Dean Martin.
Professional comedian that he was, could not contain himself during this skit.
He lost it.
Foster Brooks........the airlline pilot skit.[url=]You are not a pilot? No, I I have never been on television.[/url]. The plane lost an engine........Don't worry, it'l turn up.[/url]
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1247805 - Posted: 18 Jun 2012, 3:47:09 UTC - in response to Message 1247802.  

Even Dean Martin.
Professional comedian that he was, could not contain himself during this skit.
He lost it.
Foster Brooks........the airlline pilot skit.
[url=]You you are not a pilot? No, I I have never been on telvision. Don't worry, it'l turn up.[/url]

Um, Mark? Your URL seems to be a bit broken...


BOINC WIKI
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Message 1247807 - Posted: 18 Jun 2012, 3:49:49 UTC - in response to Message 1247805.  

Even Dean Martin.
Professional comedian that he was, could not contain himself during this skit.
He lost it.
Foster Brooks........the airlline pilot skit.
[url=]You you are not a pilot? No, I I have never been on telvision. Don't worry, it'l turn up.[/url]

Um, Mark? Your URL seems to be a bit broken...

Working on it,.......
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1251808 - Posted: 26 Jun 2012, 14:02:22 UTC




I coudn't stop......



They sent it to a Microsoft Partner......
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Message 1251989 - Posted: 27 Jun 2012, 7:46:09 UTC - in response to Message 1247807.  
Last modified: 27 Jun 2012, 7:49:32 UTC

Even Dean Martin.
Professional comedian that he was, could not contain himself during this skit.
He lost it.
Foster Brooks........the airlline pilot skit.
[url=]You you are not a pilot? No, I I have never been on telvision. Don't worry, it'l turn up.[/url]

Um, Mark? Your URL seems to be a bit broken...

Working on it,.......

I suppose I should finally post the link properly.....LOL.

Before things got so politically correct.
Martin is laughing so hard, he gets out his hanky to wipe the tears from his eyes......
You sure you're not a pilot?
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1252507 - Posted: 28 Jun 2012, 4:42:56 UTC - in response to Message 1251989.  

Even Dean Martin.
Professional comedian that he was, could not contain himself during this skit.
He lost it.
Foster Brooks........the airlline pilot skit.
[url=]You you are not a pilot? No, I I have never been on telvision. Don't worry, it'l turn up.[/url]

Um, Mark? Your URL seems to be a bit broken...

Working on it,.......

I suppose I should finally post the link properly.....LOL.

Before things got so politically correct.
Martin is laughing so hard, he gets out his hanky to wipe the tears from his eyes......
You sure you're not a pilot?

Funny thing is, Foster Brooks was never drunk; apparently someone bet him that he couldn't stay sober for (I forgot the length of time), and he stayed sober the rest of his life!
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Message 1255998 - Posted: 5 Jul 2012, 18:39:44 UTC

Trying to give the weed? Then don't use the new electronic cigarettes, it might get a bit dangerous for you....

Electronic Cigarette Terror Alert
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3.


 
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