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The joke thread Part 3.
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Intelligent Design Send message Joined: 9 Apr 12 Posts: 3626 Credit: 37,520 RAC: 0 |
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." |
Nick Send message Joined: 11 Oct 11 Posts: 4344 Credit: 3,313,107 RAC: 0 |
The mother-in-law told me that ever since I married her daughter she never realise how much of a joke I was. I told her that ever since I married her daughter I didn't realise how much of a comedian I would make myself out to be. The Kite Fliers -------------------- Kite fliers: An imaginary club of solo members, those who don't yet belong to a formal team so "fly their own kites" - as the saying goes. |
Sirius B Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24876 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 |
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Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
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Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
True story: I was at a local BK restaurant not long ago and had just placed my order; there was a teenager in line behind me with her boyfriend. They both looked at the sign for their (BK's) version of the "1/4 lb'er" and she turned to her bf and literally asked, "what's a one slash four ell bee?" I damned near died laughing, as did some of the other diners and the manager. |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...? Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done... They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him. |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
Excellent one, Michael! LOL. "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
Julie Send message Joined: 15 May 12 Posts: 279 Credit: 126,042 RAC: 0 |
Excellent one, Michael! LOL. I bet my neighbors heard me laughing! I has a MiniCity :) http://en-ki-du.myminicity.com |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
OK, Redneck warning...... Scarecrow will appreciate this one. Coming up. Again. You were warned. Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry , he gets weak in the knees, and he thinks irrationally ? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a N e w T r u c k "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
Sirius B Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24876 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 |
A farmer and his new Bride,were riding home from the Chapel in a wagon,being pulled by a team of horses.. When the older horse stumbled,the farmer said " That`s Once". A little further along the poor old horse,stumbled again,the farmer said "That`s Twice". After a while,the poor old horse stumbled again.the farmer said Nothing. But reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse... His New Bride was very upset,and complained all the way home, of what an awfull thing he had done... When they reached the house the Farmer Said To His New Bride..."THAT`S ONCE".... THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.. |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
Something Bill might like: O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight." Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E." Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar." (short pause)... Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..." A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle. |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
The New F-15 "Float Eagle": |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
Even Dean Martin. Professional comedian that he was, could not contain himself during this skit. He lost it. Foster Brooks........the airlline pilot skit.[url=]You are not a pilot? No, I I have never been on television.[/url]. The plane lost an engine........Don't worry, it'l turn up.[/url] "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
John McLeod VII Send message Joined: 15 Jul 99 Posts: 24806 Credit: 790,712 RAC: 0 |
Even Dean Martin. Um, Mark? Your URL seems to be a bit broken... BOINC WIKI |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
Even Dean Martin. Working on it,....... "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
Sirius B Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24876 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 |
I coudn't stop...... They sent it to a Microsoft Partner...... |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
Even Dean Martin. I suppose I should finally post the link properly.....LOL. Before things got so politically correct. Martin is laughing so hard, he gets out his hanky to wipe the tears from his eyes...... You sure you're not a pilot? "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
Even Dean Martin. Funny thing is, Foster Brooks was never drunk; apparently someone bet him that he couldn't stay sober for (I forgot the length of time), and he stayed sober the rest of his life! |
Sirius B Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24876 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 |
Trying to give the weed? Then don't use the new electronic cigarettes, it might get a bit dangerous for you.... Electronic Cigarette Terror Alert |
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