Polish Divorce...

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
And asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland ...

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:


~~~Polish Remover ~~~

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

My dustbin is full up with toadstools

How d'ya know it's full?

Cos there's not mushroom inside!!

My dustbin's absolutely full of Lillies

Well throw them away then

I can't. Lilly's wearing them

Ohhh my old man's a dustman.......:-)

I would like to be two with the universe.

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As welcome as.....LOL

This brought freakin' tears to my eyes...ROFLMAO is most apt.

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

The newest member of "No frills Airlines"........

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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man standing on the ledge of a tall building.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he does."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.

The blonde was shaking her head and very upset. But she handed her $20 to Bob saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I'm sorry, but I can't take your money. I saw this guy jump earlier on the five o'clock news."

The blonde replied, "So did I, but didn't think he'd do it again!"

Bob took the money.

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A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

The "Real" Secret Service

Secret "Service"

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US President doesn't know where all his bases are or where for that matter....

Presidential Gaffe

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The "Real" Secret Service

Secret "Service"

I wounder if they paid for this out of the "Entertainments Budget"?...that's
how we do it in the UK...'int-it.

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The Kite Fliers

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Kite fliers: An imaginary club of solo members, those who don't yet
belong to a formal team so "fly their own kites" - as the saying goes.

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

"No frills" airways in the news again.....

Kulula giving away a free ticket

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Cracking ad!

Say what you like about Zuma, at least he's an improvement on Thabo 'i can cure AIDS with vitamin pills' Mbeki

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

Looks like there are more and more AIDs
resistant people being born. Way too
high a price to pay for that kind of evolution.

Large brass ears, did you say, mate?

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

My mother-in-law sent me this joke. (Her birthday is not until December and she is nowhere near 95.) I hope this joke has not been posted here before. Please forgive me if it has.


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and CEO's. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together and they discussed the 95th birthday gifts they had been able to give their elderly mother.

The first brother said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second brother said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third brother said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth brother said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to his church, but it was worth it! Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After her birthday Mama sent out her "thank you" notes.

She wrote: "Dear Milton, The house you had built for me is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Dear Michael, You gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the thought anyway."

"Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to put a little thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much...

Love mama"

English man scottishman and Irishman, English man says, where does man originate, Irishman says on land, Scottishman says no, in the water, the Englishman walks off and thinks about it, next day he says, thought about it, if mirrors weren't invented you wouldn't know.

Scottishman says, no, but, you would, the Irishman says, well lets see who could walk around the world quickest, the Englishman says, but, if you found a mirror would you go home and show everyone?

English man scottishman and Irishman, English man says, where does man originate, Irishman says on land, Scottishman says no, in the water, the Englishman walks off and thinks about it, next day he says, thought about it, if mirrors weren't invented you wouldn't know.

Scottishman says, no, but, you would, the Irishman says, well lets see who could walk around the world quickest, the Englishman says, but, if you found a mirror would you go home and show everyone?

Sounds like you've segued three different jokes there, and forgot the punchline.

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

Couple of good 'un's....

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

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