The joke thread Part 3.

Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3.
Message board moderation

To post messages, you must log in.

Previous · 1 . . . 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 . . . 30 · Next

AuthorMessage
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1135968 - Posted: 4 Aug 2011, 17:54:14 UTC

If only it weren't so true.........LOL.



They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?"
I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42
million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1135968 · Report as offensive
Profile Michael John Hind
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 6 Feb 07
Posts: 1330
Credit: 3,632,028
RAC: 0
United Kingdom
Message 1135970 - Posted: 4 Aug 2011, 17:56:45 UTC - in response to Message 1135968.  

If only it weren't so true.........LOL.



They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?"
I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42
million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


Since politicians don't tell the truth then why should they permit you too ??
That's how they see it anyway....
ID: 1135970 · Report as offensive
Profile Blurf
Volunteer tester

Send message
Joined: 2 Sep 06
Posts: 8962
Credit: 12,678,685
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1147758 - Posted: 1 Sep 2011, 0:59:03 UTC

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep", the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."


ID: 1147758 · Report as offensive
Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 30 Jul 00
Posts: 1887
Credit: 7,441,278
RAC: 49
United States
Message 1148900 - Posted: 4 Sep 2011, 15:23:51 UTC

Some "geeky" ones (you guys - and gals - have probably heard most if not all of them, but I'll post 'em anyhow) (they're also [obviously] not mine - I copied them from another site):

The developer is the only living organism which can turn coffee into code.

I would love to change the world,but they won’t give me the source code.

Failure is not an option – it comes bundled with your Microsoft product.

Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.

If at first u don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.

Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you.

Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.

I survived an NT installation.
ID: 1148900 · Report as offensive
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1150731 - Posted: 10 Sep 2011, 5:53:17 UTC
Last modified: 10 Sep 2011, 5:59:04 UTC

I dunno......some folks do not respond to my sense of humour.......
But I shall try again.

LOL...I had this on a 45 as a kid.......
This is the first time I found a vid of it.
Johnny Standley discussing 'Little Bo Peep' as a grandstanding preacher.
It's In The Book....

'Wagging their tails.......Lord, pray tell, what else COULD they wag????????'

'Behind them.......behind them!! Did we think they'd be wagging them in FRONT?????? Of course, they might have come home in reverse. I really don't know.'
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1150731 · Report as offensive
AndyJ
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 17 Aug 02
Posts: 248
Credit: 27,380,797
RAC: 0
United Kingdom
Message 1152851 - Posted: 16 Sep 2011, 18:06:17 UTC - in response to Message 1150731.  

I dunno......some folks do not respond to my sense of humour.......

British ancestry?

; )

Regards,
Andy.
ID: 1152851 · Report as offensive
John McLeod VII
Volunteer developer
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 15 Jul 99
Posts: 24806
Credit: 790,712
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1154661 - Posted: 21 Sep 2011, 21:32:43 UTC

What do you call a wookie that works with clay?

Hairy Potter.


BOINC WIKI
ID: 1154661 · Report as offensive
John McLeod VII
Volunteer developer
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 15 Jul 99
Posts: 24806
Credit: 790,712
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1156515 - Posted: 27 Sep 2011, 3:24:11 UTC

Man walks into a bar with a dog.
Barkeep insists that there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
"Evan a talking dog?"
"Well, OK, if he can talk, but you have to prove it."
"What is on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark, Bark"
"What is on top of a house?"
"Roof, Roof"
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth, Ruth"

At this point the barkeep and the bouncer throw them out through the front door.

As they walk around the corner, the dog looks up at his owner and says "Dimagio?"


BOINC WIKI
ID: 1156515 · Report as offensive
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1157090 - Posted: 29 Sep 2011, 15:00:37 UTC

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a
check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning
Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show
me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I
didn't think there would be any need to. Let me be clear, I
am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United
States of America!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the
latest Government regulations, and monitoring of the banks
because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on
seeing ID"

Obama: "Well, just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and
they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank
rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "Make no mistake, I am urging you please to cash this
check!"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day
Tiger Woods came into the bank without his ID. To prove that
he truly was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putting iron and
made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that
shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without his ID. He pulled
out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the
tennis ball actually landed in my coffee cup. With that
spectacular shot we knew that he was Andre Agassi and cashed
his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is truly
you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't
think of a single thing. My mind is a complete blank."

Cashier: "Would you like the cash in large or small bills,
Mr. President?"
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1157090 · Report as offensive
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1157104 - Posted: 29 Sep 2011, 15:37:46 UTC

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the men’s room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.
He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'


The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...
What about your son?'


The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1157104 · Report as offensive
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1159791 - Posted: 7 Oct 2011, 15:37:51 UTC
Last modified: 7 Oct 2011, 15:38:44 UTC

A Police STOP at 1 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a..m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1159791 · Report as offensive
Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 30 Jul 00
Posts: 1887
Credit: 7,441,278
RAC: 49
United States
Message 1162063 - Posted: 14 Oct 2011, 2:16:39 UTC


ID: 1162063 · Report as offensive
Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 30 Jul 00
Posts: 1887
Credit: 7,441,278
RAC: 49
United States
Message 1162064 - Posted: 14 Oct 2011, 2:18:41 UTC


ID: 1162064 · Report as offensive
Profile Mark Wyzenbeek
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 28 Jun 99
Posts: 134
Credit: 6,203,079
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1162409 - Posted: 15 Oct 2011, 0:32:30 UTC

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon?

The food is great but, no atmosphere.
The Universe is not only stranger than you imagine, it's stranger than you can imagine.

SETI@home classic workunits 1,405 CPU time 57,318 hours
ID: 1162409 · Report as offensive
Luigi Naruszewicz
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 19 Nov 99
Posts: 620
Credit: 23,910,372
RAC: 14
United Kingdom
Message 1181038 - Posted: 28 Dec 2011, 0:16:57 UTC

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
ID: 1181038 · Report as offensive
Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 30 Jul 00
Posts: 1887
Credit: 7,441,278
RAC: 49
United States
Message 1197341 - Posted: 19 Feb 2012, 17:11:56 UTC

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them

At the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing

Their nude bodies to approaching drivers...


Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What
Is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here

By the road?!" asks the Officer...


"Oh, those are my flashers!" she replied.
ID: 1197341 · Report as offensive
John McLeod VII
Volunteer developer
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 15 Jul 99
Posts: 24806
Credit: 790,712
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1199556 - Posted: 25 Feb 2012, 4:43:13 UTC

An arch bishop runs into the Pope's office and states that there is good news and bad news.

"Let's have the good news first then", says the Pope.

"The Messiah is back"

"What could be bad about that?"

"He came back in Salt Lake City."


BOINC WIKI
ID: 1199556 · Report as offensive
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1208739 - Posted: 22 Mar 2012, 6:24:00 UTC

So, dad...
How do you like the new iPad we bought you?
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1208739 · Report as offensive
Profile The Simonator
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 18 Nov 04
Posts: 5700
Credit: 3,855,702
RAC: 50
United Kingdom
Message 1209428 - Posted: 23 Mar 2012, 23:00:54 UTC

Q: Why are helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.
ID: 1209428 · Report as offensive
kittyman Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Jul 00
Posts: 51468
Credit: 1,018,363,574
RAC: 1,004
United States
Message 1210222 - Posted: 26 Mar 2012, 5:04:18 UTC

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

ID: 1210222 · Report as offensive
Previous · 1 . . . 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 . . . 30 · Next

Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 3.


 
©2024 University of California
 
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.