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The joke thread Part 3.
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kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
If only it weren't so true.........LOL. They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
Michael John Hind Send message Joined: 6 Feb 07 Posts: 1330 Credit: 3,632,028 RAC: 0 |
If only it weren't so true.........LOL. Since politicians don't tell the truth then why should they permit you too ?? That's how they see it anyway.... |
Blurf Send message Joined: 2 Sep 06 Posts: 8962 Credit: 12,678,685 RAC: 0 |
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep", the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars", the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****." |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
Some "geeky" ones (you guys - and gals - have probably heard most if not all of them, but I'll post 'em anyhow) (they're also [obviously] not mine - I copied them from another site): The developer is the only living organism which can turn coffee into code. I would love to change the world,but they won’t give me the source code. Failure is not an option – it comes bundled with your Microsoft product. Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies. If at first u don’t succeed, call it version 1.0. Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that? The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents. I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you. I survived an NT installation. |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
I dunno......some folks do not respond to my sense of humour....... But I shall try again. LOL...I had this on a 45 as a kid....... This is the first time I found a vid of it. Johnny Standley discussing 'Little Bo Peep' as a grandstanding preacher. It's In The Book.... 'Wagging their tails.......Lord, pray tell, what else COULD they wag????????' 'Behind them.......behind them!! Did we think they'd be wagging them in FRONT?????? Of course, they might have come home in reverse. I really don't know.' "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
AndyJ Send message Joined: 17 Aug 02 Posts: 248 Credit: 27,380,797 RAC: 0 |
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John McLeod VII Send message Joined: 15 Jul 99 Posts: 24806 Credit: 790,712 RAC: 0 |
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John McLeod VII Send message Joined: 15 Jul 99 Posts: 24806 Credit: 790,712 RAC: 0 |
Man walks into a bar with a dog. Barkeep insists that there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "Evan a talking dog?" "Well, OK, if he can talk, but you have to prove it." "What is on the outside of a tree?" "Bark, Bark" "What is on top of a house?" "Roof, Roof" "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth, Ruth" At this point the barkeep and the bouncer throw them out through the front door. As they walk around the corner, the dog looks up at his owner and says "Dimagio?" BOINC WIKI |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"? Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there would be any need to. Let me be clear, I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States of America!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the latest Government regulations, and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on seeing ID" Obama: "Well, just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!" Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "Make no mistake, I am urging you please to cash this check!" Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without his ID. To prove that he truly was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without his ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball actually landed in my coffee cup. With that spectacular shot we knew that he was Andre Agassi and cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is truly you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. My mind is a complete blank." Cashier: "Would you like the cash in large or small bills, Mr. President?" "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party... After several drinks, one of the men had to use the men’s room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire... He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.' "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
A Police STOP at 1 AM An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a..m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife." "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
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Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
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Mark Wyzenbeek Send message Joined: 28 Jun 99 Posts: 134 Credit: 6,203,079 RAC: 0 |
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food is great but, no atmosphere. The Universe is not only stranger than you imagine, it's stranger than you can imagine. SETI@home classic workunits 1,405 CPU time 57,318 hours |
Luigi Naruszewicz Send message Joined: 19 Nov 99 Posts: 620 Credit: 23,910,372 RAC: 14 |
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. . A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing. |
Michael Belanger, W1DGL Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 |
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them At the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing Their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What Is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here By the road?!" asks the Officer... "Oh, those are my flashers!" she replied. |
John McLeod VII Send message Joined: 15 Jul 99 Posts: 24806 Credit: 790,712 RAC: 0 |
An arch bishop runs into the Pope's office and states that there is good news and bad news. "Let's have the good news first then", says the Pope. "The Messiah is back" "What could be bad about that?" "He came back in Salt Lake City." BOINC WIKI |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
So, dad... How do you like the new iPad we bought you? "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
The Simonator Send message Joined: 18 Nov 04 Posts: 5700 Credit: 3,855,702 RAC: 50 |
Q: Why are helium, curium and barium the medical elements? A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium! Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge. |
kittyman Send message Joined: 9 Jul 00 Posts: 51468 Credit: 1,018,363,574 RAC: 1,004 |
REDNECK LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish." "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster |
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