THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux


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Message boards : Cafe SETI : THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux

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Profile Matthew Love
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Message 883081 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 14:49:26 UTC

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
From the Late Show with David Letterman

10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask
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Message 883214 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 0:37:05 UTC

The California state legislatures pay is a joke(Assembly and Senate), It should be reduced to the level that an SSI/SSP recipient(Disabled and Elderly) gets every month and that's without any restaurant expenses. As anything higher is a bad joke.
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Message 883239 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 1:43:12 UTC

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

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Message 883288 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 4:05:30 UTC

A plane took off from L.A. Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 667, non-stop from Los Angeles to New York. The weather ahead is clear and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful trip. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the... OH, MY GOD!"

Tense silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a hot cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in business class yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. ~~Carl Sagan

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Message 883292 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 4:51:20 UTC - in response to Message 883061.



What do you call A cow with no legs?? GROUND BEEF!


What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

LEAN BEEF!

1. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eyed deer (no idea)

2. What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?

STILL no-eyed deer
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Message 883299 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 5:19:18 UTC

At the state zoo in Austin, Texas, research has shown that feeding a particular species of porpoise Mynah birds greatly extended the life span of the porpoises.

One day, while a zookeeper was carrying a cage full of the Mynah birds to the porpoises, he had to cross a small bridge over a pit containing the zoo's lions. When he was nearly across the bridge, he was approached by a Texas Ranger and immediately arrested! When the zookeeper asked what the charge was, the Ranger said (what else): 'Transporting Mynahs across the state lion for immortal porpoises!'

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Message 883341 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 11:31:54 UTC

Plummer Humor

A good flush beats a full house every time!
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Message 883342 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 11:34:25 UTC


Redneck Medical Terms

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

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Message 883343 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 11:35:39 UTC


How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

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Message 883492 - Posted: 8 Apr 2009, 20:00:02 UTC - in response to Message 883341.

Plummer Humor

A good flush beats a full house every time!


One morning there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour, my plumber.

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Message 883657 - Posted: 9 Apr 2009, 9:33:23 UTC


There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

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Message 883922 - Posted: 10 Apr 2009, 12:40:18 UTC

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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Message 884139 - Posted: 11 Apr 2009, 1:28:47 UTC

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

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Message 884249 - Posted: 11 Apr 2009, 14:06:42 UTC

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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BETTER THE WORLD ~ PAY IT FORWARD
...

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Message 884290 - Posted: 11 Apr 2009, 15:27:18 UTC

Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!


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Message 884309 - Posted: 11 Apr 2009, 16:40:21 UTC

Easter Humor


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Message 884614 - Posted: 12 Apr 2009, 16:27:16 UTC

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

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Message 884622 - Posted: 12 Apr 2009, 16:33:16 UTC

RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!

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Message 884650 - Posted: 12 Apr 2009, 17:32:22 UTC
Last modified: 12 Apr 2009, 17:48:18 UTC

Abraham Lincoln wasn't saying too much when he said that the Lord must have loved the common folks, cause he made so many of them!
Where I come from - you call someone common - and see how fast you get frapped upside the head.

from Brother Dave Gardener - REJOICE DEAR HEARTS.
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Message 884704 - Posted: 12 Apr 2009, 19:41:11 UTC

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.



The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Have a Wonderful Easter.

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux

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