Message boards :
Cafe SETI :
THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux
Message board moderation
Author | Message |
---|---|
Dr. C.E.T.I. Send message Joined: 29 Feb 00 Posts: 16019 Credit: 794,685 RAC: 0 |
“To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also†~ Igor Stravinsky ~ . . . have fun ;) BOINC Wiki . . . Science Status Page . . . |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
crippler Send message Joined: 9 Jun 08 Posts: 58 Credit: 51,097 RAC: 0 |
|
Alan Smith Send message Joined: 19 Sep 00 Posts: 106 Credit: 26,816 RAC: 0 |
Can't wait for the next Star Wars movie. It features Darth Vader's sister, Ella. I understand she has her ups and downs... |
HAL Send message Joined: 28 Mar 03 Posts: 704 Credit: 870,617 RAC: 0 |
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. If Builders built buildings like I write programs - the first woodpecker that came along could destroy civilization Classic WU= 7,237 Classic Hours= 42,079 |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
klc53* Send message Joined: 14 Nov 07 Posts: 3052 Credit: 7,320,707 RAC: 0 |
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman." |
Alan Smith Send message Joined: 19 Sep 00 Posts: 106 Credit: 26,816 RAC: 0 |
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? |
klc53* Send message Joined: 14 Nov 07 Posts: 3052 Credit: 7,320,707 RAC: 0 |
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. |
John McCallum Send message Joined: 5 Dec 04 Posts: 877 Credit: 599,458 RAC: 8 |
Jesus and the Robber A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he asks, "Who said that?" Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you." The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius." The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?" The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus." Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
What do you call A cow with no legs?? GROUND BEEF! LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
SMART BLONDE JOKE A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
Alan Smith Send message Joined: 19 Sep 00 Posts: 106 Credit: 26,816 RAC: 0 |
Maybe off-topic, but I thought I'd post this obituary... Bakersfield, CA The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 72. Dough Boy was buried in a lightly greased casket. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. A long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. She described Dough Boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough Boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, with another one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!" LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'" LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them. LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
I did not make up this joke. Here it is in all of its glory Baskin Robbins Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?" LETS BEGIN IN 2010 |
zoom3+1=4 Send message Joined: 30 Nov 03 Posts: 65738 Credit: 55,293,173 RAC: 49 |
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's |
Bill Walker Send message Joined: 4 Sep 99 Posts: 3868 Credit: 2,697,267 RAC: 0 |
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? LEAN BEEF! |
©2024 University of California
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.