THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux


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Message boards : Cafe SETI : THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux

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Profile Dr. C.E.T.I.
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Message 880583 - Posted: 29 Mar 2009, 19:32:59 UTC



“To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also”

~ Igor Stravinsky ~


. . . have fun ;)


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Profile Matthew Love
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Message 880677 - Posted: 30 Mar 2009, 1:40:19 UTC

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me
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Message 880765 - Posted: 30 Mar 2009, 13:18:05 UTC

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
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Message 880858 - Posted: 30 Mar 2009, 20:52:59 UTC

Can't wait for the next Star Wars movie.

It features Darth Vader's sister, Ella.

I understand she has her ups and downs...

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Message 880861 - Posted: 30 Mar 2009, 21:11:04 UTC - in response to Message 880765.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

If Builders built buildings like I write programs - the first woodpecker that came along could destroy civilization
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Profile Matthew Love
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Message 880871 - Posted: 30 Mar 2009, 21:58:13 UTC

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

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Message 880993 - Posted: 31 Mar 2009, 13:41:32 UTC

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

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Message 881213 - Posted: 1 Apr 2009, 6:47:17 UTC

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

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Message 881295 - Posted: 1 Apr 2009, 15:02:30 UTC

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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Message 882242 - Posted: 4 Apr 2009, 13:14:02 UTC

Jesus and the Robber
A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."
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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

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Message 882246 - Posted: 4 Apr 2009, 13:39:26 UTC



What do you call A cow with no legs?? GROUND BEEF!

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Message 882247 - Posted: 4 Apr 2009, 13:42:15 UTC

SMART BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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Message 882846 - Posted: 6 Apr 2009, 20:46:08 UTC

Maybe off-topic, but I thought I'd post this obituary...

Bakersfield, CA

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 72.

Dough Boy was buried in a lightly greased casket. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

A long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. She described
Dough Boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough Boy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old
man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough, with another one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Message 882964 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 2:11:59 UTC


One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

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Message 882965 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 2:14:54 UTC

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Message 882966 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 2:25:02 UTC

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

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Message 882973 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 2:41:28 UTC

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

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Message 882974 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 2:43:25 UTC

I did not make up this joke. Here it is in all of its glory


Baskin Robbins

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"

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Message 882984 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 3:12:21 UTC - in response to Message 882966.

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"


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Message 883061 - Posted: 7 Apr 2009, 13:59:34 UTC - in response to Message 882246.



What do you call A cow with no legs?? GROUND BEEF!


What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

LEAN BEEF!

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : THE Joke Thread . . . Part Deux

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