The spouse speaks: Raccoons may be smarter than my husband.

I'll send over some genuine White Castle hamburgers from NYC. It will be a test of skill. Will Eric be able to control himself? Will the raccoon make it 10 feet without leaving a trail? Will Angela laugh herself silly in the process? (And what of Naomi?)

For those of you unfamiliar with the White Castle hamburger, they're about 2 inches square, steamed in onion juice and served with ketchup, pickles and chopped onions on a seedless bun. The taste is unlike anything you've ever eaten but they are guaranteed to cause a significant increase in gastric pressure.

At 49 cents they're the cheapest laxative in the world that works in 15 minutes. Our raccoons love them. Just stay upwind.

The next logical step would be Pudding Cups... Which also probably have little/no smell (for the shelf stable items they are).

Another test would be to shove a sliver of oatmeal cookie in the middle of the Jello Cup (with enough explosed to provide smell of the cookie). They will probably eat enough to keep exposing the cookie..


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The next logical step would be Pudding Cups... Which also probably have little/no smell (for the shelf stable items they are).

Might I suggest a nice thick steak and/or lobster and a couple bottles of decent Cabernet? I doubt the raccoons would be able to open the bottles... Score 1 for the human.

Thanks for all the food ideas. I will start shopping and feeding soon. In the meanwhile, I feel somewhat obligated to post a disclaimer:

DO NOT TRY CRITTER FEEDING AT HOME!

Crazy Raccoon Lady is a trained professional who exercises extreme precaution around all wild animals (husbands included). Crazy Raccoon Lady and her royal consort have also undergone a pre-rabies vaccination series. Feeding raccoons or any wild animals is NOT recommended by Crazy Raccoon Lady or anyone associated with SETI@home. Feeding raccoons can result in rabies, scabies, digit amputation and a host of other illnesses or injuries.

Fondly,
Angela

Feeding raccoons can result in rabies, scabies, digit amputation and a host of other illnesses or injuries.

Maybe they just don't like lime jell-o?
Try Strawberry!
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Last night we tried the first suggested food, pork and beans.

Human Trial

Since my human subject appears to have metacognitive awareness (a 5 year developmental milestone) and a fully developed linguistic system (roughly a 4 year developmental milestone) I am able to report both behavioral observations and the test subject's comments.

Behavioral Observations

The can of pork and beans was opened approximately 6 feet away from the subject. He recoiled in what appeared to be abject horror.

Human Subject's Statement

"That smells disgusting. I may not eat dinner. Take it away!"

Raccoon Trial

It is unknown whether or not raccoons possess metacognitive awareness. Their vocalizations and verbalizations appear to be confined to two linguistic functions. The first of these is warnings (short growls, long growls and snarls). The second of these is food requests (little piggy noises combined with plaintive eye contact). Because raccoon linguistic skills do not surpass a 9 month human level, only behavioral observations can be reported.

Behavioral observations

A plate of pork and beans was placed near two initial subjects ("Runtsie" and "Bravesie"). The raccoon subjects investigated the pork and beans and initially determined they were not edible.

This is a picture of two very spoiled raccoons refusing pork and beans:



This is a picture of Runtsie, requesting something better.



This is a picture of Runtsie turning to the drink.



Runtsie and Bravesie did not receive anything better and were observed to leave our yard without eating any pork and beans.

A second check of the pork and beans, about 15 minutes after R & B left, revealed that the beans had been "probed" and scattered in part about the patio.



It could not be determined if the beans had been sampled. We suspected a third test subject ("Interloper Mama"), but did not see her in the yard.

A check of the pork and beans about an hour lated revealed that the plate had been moved about 12 feet from its original location and overturned. As feral cats would be incapable of this, raccoons were the probable culprits. In the morning, there was evidence that some of the beans had been eaten. Within 24 hours, all the beans were gone.

Although raccoons were not directly observed to eat the pork and beans, it is probable that they eventually did.

The score is now tied. Raccoons 1 (fake-jello refusal), Human 1 (pork & beans refusal).

Angela

Your note taking skills and observations are quite scientific-like. I'm assuming your skills are related to something in your career field? Or has living with Eric really rubbed off on you? :-)
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LOL Thats awesome Angela! Thanks for sharing that story!! :-)
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Hilarious Just Hilarious....
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Now, this may be a little off topic, but earlier someone suggested that Spamâ„¢ be subjected to the Racoon test, as it is a possible fake food. I have to say that a local delicacy where I live is Spam Musubi, a fusion of Japanese and WWII war rationing cuisines. You may say all you want about the weird contents of this dish--seaweed paste, Spam, more seaweed (toasted), vinegar rice and sesame seeds--but the overall effect is sublime.

Back on topic, how about trying a bowl of Diet Coke (Free)? If any thing can be categorized a fake food, that would be it. How animal rights activists might view the giving of Diet Coke to racoons is a different matter and not my concern at the present.

Your note taking skills and observations are quite scientific-like. I'm assuming your skills are related to something in your career field? Or has living with Eric really rubbed off on you? :-)

Tonight's food was a peanut butter sandwich - whole wheat bread, lightly toasted, spead with several tablespoons of Jif Creamy peanut butter. I used Jif Creamy because it most approximated a "questionable" food - no chunky nuts plus all those yummy trans-fats.

Human Subject:

Behavioral Observations - subject took a big bite, chewed it thoroughly and swallowed

Linguistic Response:

Eric: Creamy?
Angela: Uh-huh.
Eric: Skippy?
Angela: Jif.
Eric: I prefer a natural peanut butter.
Angela: You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.
Eric: Beer me woman!
Angela: In your dreams!!!

Raccoons:

Behavioral Observations - the peanut butter sandwich was initially rejected by one of Interloper Mama's abandoned babies. Within 45 minutes, however, Runtsie and Bravesie happened by and ate the sandwich.

Here is a picture of Runtsie dragging a quarter of the peanut butter sandwich under the deck for consumption. This is typical of what raccoons do with large pieces of food.




Score to date still tied:

Raccoons: 1 rejection, 2 consumptions
Human: 1 rejection, 2 consumptions

Your note taking skills and observations are quite scientific-like. I'm assuming your skills are related to something in your career field? Or has living with Eric really rubbed off on you? :-)

Please! Eric gets his methodical bent from me!!!

Angela

Your note taking skills and observations are quite scientific-like. I'm assuming your skills are related to something in your career field? Or has living with Eric really rubbed off on you? :-)

Please! Eric gets his methodical bent from me!!!

Angela